Australia's Next Top Model
Season 5 started many weeks ago, but only now can I start doing recaps on it. I'll start with tonight's episode in a few days. But right now I'll talk generally about the latest batch of doughy cupcakes.
Adele - Quiet acheiver. I just hope she can solve the problem of her wombat nose before the end of the competition.
Cassi - Wow! She looks like Russian royalty, but then she opens her mouth and she sounds like British royalty. If ONLY she had a brain.... I don't think she can tidy up her walking-in-screaming-at-girls-showering-naked behaviour - but who knows. I'm sure we all wish Tyra would sit down with her for a 'rap session'.
Tyra: "When I was in Paris, all the models there were all like 'oh mah gawd, tyra you so fiiiine' so Cassi, LISSSTEN and you will LEAARRRN."
Madison - I was so sad to she her go! When everyone would sit around bitching, she was all 'Who wants lasagne?" ... who'll make them lasagne now? But how McCleods daughters two-part finale was her exit footage in the ute looking out on the desert?
Lola - She's a grinny little thing isn't she? With not one times, not two times.... but NINE times the cheekiness. All I see when I look at her is the Gilmore Girls woman, but I like her. I love how she kitsches it up for the interview parts. "YES! I don't know whoooo will go.. oooh"
Laura - She seems nice, and lucks into a shot now and then. But her face seems a little bit jowly... no? She'll probably go soon.
Tahnee - Occupation: School Leaver?? Anyway, such a sweet little thing - sometimes I have to check the station that it's not Totally Wild at St Mary Public School in Queensland for a report on a recycling and rainforests. On the one hand i like how surprisingly fashon she looks in photo shoots, on the other hand she has a mouth like a rusty lawn mower. Crisis.
Clare - I feel like she's the daughter of older parents... I don't know why. Her face is a bit smudgy and Mr Potato Head but she arranges it well on shoots... plus she has a very sophisticated walk for a 16 year old. But somehow I think she'd be better as a creepy receptionist in a naturopath health centre.
That's all? Wow time flies.
What do you think of them all? Cassi? Add a comment...
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Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Aus Next Top Model + Big Brother
Daily Telegraph writing continues. I'll tell you, that 2.5 hour Friday slot is tough to cover.
Australia's Next Top Model Recap: Final 5 - LINK
"Alex thinks Alyce should pull her socks up, which is appropriate since her ratchet face already looks like old woman who lives in a shoe’s. "
Big Brother - Nobbi bullies Travis: Full Recap - LINK
"Nobbi was perched comfortably in his corner of the hot tub, heating the apparatus with his own sense of self-delusion. "
Big Brother - Day 42: Ben loses his spine to Nobbilepsy - LINK
"Ben starts masturbating to a picture of Nobbi he keeps in a locket that he stores in his vacant scrotum."
Add comments, there...
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
AuNTM Recap - Final 6
The Daily Telegraph knocked down my door. The tied me down and played Millsy's album until I agreed to blog on Australia's Next Top Model for them.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Big Brother: Friday Night Games Recap
You can read it here at The Daily Telegraph. It's fantastic.
Add a comment (there)
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Mildcards
Usually the wildcard shows are better than this. It's usually a melange of the performers with more of a dynamic who escaped the chubby fingers of the tweens plodding away at their mobiles.
Jack Byrnes - "Long Train Running" (Doobie Brothers)
Why does Jack Byrnes look so old? He's a teenager. It must be that rhumetism which reaches his extremities while performing judging by his dancing. He performs well, inspite of his toddler-learning-to-walk movement. Ultimately, he does lack an oomph and i'm afraid that, with his dramatic aging rate, he'll be dragging in an intravenous drip if he re-auditions next year.
Husny Thalib - "I Believe" (Blessed Union Of Souls)
Husny Thalib, Husny Thalib, Husny Thalib. Yes, I am just repeating his name to get more google hits. Still, he's an interesting fellow. This time he pulled it back from Stonewall thursday night to Colombian final call which exposed his vocal weaknesses. The judges were very unimpressed. Dicko said it was "the end of the line" for him while Kyle dribbled "you were out of your league". So it's all up to public vote to get him through.
Carl Riseley - "Bye Bye Love" (Everly Brothers)
He does above-average when it come to swing which is his own element. But when faced with any other genre, he's going to do as well as Lisa Mitchell at an enunciation course in Widdleham's School For Proper Ladies. Marcia loves him. She decided to speak her native language of Xhosa at the end of his performance. Mark Holden rambled on - I think he's really lost something today. He was just an embarrassing drunk uncle at Madison Pritchett's Super Sweet Sixteen.
Sarah Lloyd - "Candyman" (Christina Aguilera)
Tammin Sursok's cousin! Sarah was good and bad all at once. She was trying to be too sexy and as Kyle said, there were a lot of holes in her performance. NEVER EVER let the back-up singer sing more than you! All Sarah did was walk around and threw out an "oOHOHohHOOHOHOHOOHH" and whispered "Candyman". She had also planned to bring 50 half-naked sailors on stage but Husny intercepted them before rehearsal. Mark Holden complained that the male judges should have been panting after a performance of Candyman. He's just bitter since if you say Candyman in the mirror 5 times, he appears behind you and gibbers at you in Holdonese.
Dave Andrews - "When Dolphins Cry" (Live)
Poor Dave. He's suffered enough.
Daniel Mifsud - "Lay Your Love On Me" (Roachford)
Daniel wasn't even awake for the first half of his performance. He was quite dull but more competent than the others. I'm completely uninspired to write anything abut him because he just has no dynamic style. Dicko congratulated him for having listened to the judges, Marcia said well done. Mark Holden said he didn't think he was watching the same performance and then he unscrewed his plastic head and a small alien popped out and rigadooned.
Natalie Gouchi - "Feeling Good" (Nina Simone)
Good gouchi!!! We shall reward you with many snacks and cowries post show. She was the best of the night. The judges had luke-warm praise. Marcia's was unsurprising since she hates women performers who rival her.
Mark Da Costa - "Evie" (AC/DC)
He did his usual good rock performance. The judges praised him to death. The real highlight of this performance was...
Mark Holden - Hooray For Bollywood
Mark just cemented his future career as spokesperson for Alzheimers. He started singing "Hooray for Bollywood" for SEVEN STRAIGHT MINUTES while doing worshipping motions at Dicko. Andrew G tried to restrain him but needed help, he called over to James Mathison. Unfortunately, Amelie Poulain had already kidnapped the gnome-y host to take pictures of him in front of famous monuments. Marcia rolled up her sleeves and blew her emergency whistle. Toni Braxton, Shakira and Beyonce appeared behind her in Charlie's Angels formation. Marcia looked at the camera and did some sassy neck movements then everything went black.
To go through to the next round:
Natalie Gouchi + Mark Da Costa + Daniel Mifsud = DEFINITELY
Sarah Lloyd = LIKELY
Husny Thalib = Dark horse
What did you think of tonight's show? Add a comment..
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Jokers Are Wild
Don't feel bad if you missed tonight's Idol. Brianna and Holly made it through. Damien Leith also performed and gave a fairly mild interview. They named the wildcards who are......
Mark's Choices:
Arabic asian Husny Thalib & one dimensional rocker Mark Da Costa
Dicko's Choices:
Scarfing Daniel Mifsud & gag-reel material Dave Andrews
Marcia's Choices:
Hurt Natalie Gouchi & blander than beige Carl Risely
Kyle's Choices:
18 going on 30 Jack Byrnes & if at first you don't succeed Sara Lloyd
Apparently the judges were fighting a lot althout Kyle was the only one who seemed miffed. Or maybe Marcia was miffed that she couldn't add Deni. Otherwise, I was surprised by the lack of Lyall Adonis and even some good and competent like Sally Vander Zwart or Junior Too. Otherwise, Daniel Mifsud? Carl Risely??? Dave Andrews?!?! Good luck.
Otherwise, the google hits are WILD for Husny, though Brianna Carpenter is making up ground fast. So now i'm going to write Husny Thalib Naked Pics Gay Eel Porn and see them skyrocket more.
All your favourite wildcards chosen? Who do you want through? Add a comment...
Six Of One.. Plus 5... huh?
The second batch of girls is hot out of the oven, but who will be too hot to handle? Who will stick to the pan? Who will only have half of their dough cooked while the rest is charred?
Sara Lloyd - “I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” (Jennifer Hudson)
Sara gives a breath-taking rendition of this Dreamgirls song… she wasn’t taking our breath… she was taking her own as she gasped for oxygen at the end. Mark Holden’s prosthetic jaw crumbles as he blabbers some gibberish about poor song choice while Marcia says “You cut that” before insinuating that Mark is made of plastic and should have appeared alongside Paris Hilton in 2004’s “House of Wax”… ALL insinuated with one head flip. She sang well, but isn’t very striking and has a Jacobbutleresque loser story line.
Morgan Hosking – “You Learn” (Alanis Morrisette)
She looks like she could bring something to the table, but all that she brungeth was cold potato salad. She copied Alanis’ donkey calls too much in the song. I felt like I was back in high-school.. not my own high school 2 ½ years ago… but my brother’s high school from the mid-nineties. Very mediocre Morgan.
HIGHLIGHT: Her and Andrew doing their happy-happy-joy-joy jig.
Holly Weiner – “I’m Easy” (Stone Temple Pilots)
Dedicated to STD-transporter and best-friend, Jesse Corran, “I’m Easy” was sung very well. Holly was a luminous presence who has a quiet confidence. Her sloppy diction didn’t smear the song too far off the page and onto the bare table of Morgan Hosking and her pitiful potato salad. Plus she’s a handsome woman. The judges loved her.
Madison Pritchett – “When You’re Gone” (Avril Lavigne)
Screechy, unpleasant and hollow. She looks like she tail-chastised that horse in her video package and wore it on her head for good luck. Dicko said that he couldn’t figure out how to market her since she’s a little girl who acts like a little woman. And I don’t think he was referring to one of those Maury Pauvich little people.
Marcia quote of the week: “You belong to the Australian public now”… let’s do an autopsy on her :D
Brianna Carpenter – “Fidelity” (Regina Spektor)
Her gamine mode de “Le fableux destin d’Amelie Poulain” was superb and tout ce qu’il faut comprendre dans cette phrase, c’est TDK eyes. She flirted with the stage using sulky stares, backwards shuffling and the giant red buttons on her smock. It was overall a refreshing piercing stab amid the prior bludgeonings. Mark put on a stripy Dr. Seuss hat and said it was “kooky, quirky, perky”. Her comment to Kyle was the real vital-organ maiming.
Kyle: I don’t admit to understanding what you do
TDK Carpenter: Well, I didn’t expect you do…
Marcia: Oh no you DI-ENT (Marcia pulls out boombox blasting: I never knew there was a .. love like this before" ) Marcia ba dunk-a-dunks.
Well done Brianna Carpenter…
Rosie Ribbons – “Everybody Hurts” (REM)
I expected more from Rosie Ribbons. She was as stale as that despondent potato salad at a Morgan Hosking picnic. I scrawled “boring vibe” on my notes but reading it back it looks like “bony vibe”. She had potential, but she can’t choose such a droning song which doesn’t work for idol. Then I got a phone call, so the rest of the time she sounded like a person talking into my right ear out of sync with her own lip movements.
To go through: Well I’m 5/6 so far… but this I time I’ll say Holly Weiner and Brianna Carpenter. MAYBE Sara Lloyd.
Brianna: freak or genius? Add a comment...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Triplets at a Different Teat
Well half of the boys brought it yesterday, and the other three put it right back where it belong on an up, up, up, down, down, level, night of Idol. I'm a bit rushed with this recap, uni awaits.
Mark Da Costa - "Want A Whole Lot of Love" (Led Zeppelin)
A bit pubby, but competent nevertheless. What you see is what you get with Mark Da Costa, I don't expect anything else than above average rock reproductions from him throughout the competition.
Ben McKenzie - "Mad World" (Tears for Fears)
He's a freaky little wierdo, but he's good to watch. He may lack vocal strength but he can swerve around that glaring disadvantage with more dynamic interpretations. I give him thumbs up.. and a monthly treatment of Proactiv Acne Treatment Solution - that's right, the new 3-step program developed by scientists to stop acne. Proactive Solution 3-Step System not only cleans your face, but revitalises the pores and exfoliates dead skin cells to prevent you from having acne while the reparing lotion hydrates your skin to give you a nourishing glow. It's even used by such celebrities as Jessica Simpson and P. Diddy. "When I'm on tour, I don't want to have to lose confidence by having acne on my face" - Jessica Simpson. Even Britney Spears' back-up dancer says that she swears by it. Clear skin can begin with Proactive Solution 3-Step System.
Jack Byrnes - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (U2)
I'm not sure what to think about this 18 year old going on 32. His performance was standard and his dance moves - touretteish.
Marcia quote of the week "Listen Man, you took it to church"
Dave Andrews - "That's Freedom" (John Farnham)
How does expect to have a striking performance with a name like Dave Andrews? He ought to change his name to D'Arcy Van De La Croix Desu, I know I just mixed up an Irish, Dutch, French and Japanese construction but at least that name sticks in your head. He stands there looking scared like Lana Krost in the headlights. The judges called his performance "safe" and "a dud". He doesn't even have Laura Gissara deluded charisma to back it up. If he had said "I worked so hard for this, look at my two tone hair", he would have redeemed himself. But afraid not.
Lyall Adonis - "Desperado" (The Eagles)
What was this? He sort of just stood on stage and waded ankle-deep through a .midi instrumental. He's already got the star potential in his name and the looks and an Australian permanent residency visa - he just had to look in the camera and do falsetto with a single weary tear running down sullied cheeks... he would have made it. Mark said "You didn't do that song justice"
Marty Simpson - "Over My Head" (The Fray)
Kyle said it was excellent, Dicko said he's very likeable, Marcia gave everyone 10% reduced vision with her smile while Mark Holden opened his mouth and liquid faecal matter came gushing out waywardly. Marty was fine, I can't tell if he's ugly or not yet.
To go through: Ben McKenzie +.... Marty Simpson
Favourites tonight? Add a comment...
Monday, August 27, 2007
Girls Gone Idol
Unfortunately, I missed the beginning of the show. I was horrified to turn on the tv and see Jacob Butler in the safe zone. Damn Australia and it's "Give the loser a chance" mentality. Ah well, I look forward to seeing his next fall from the curb into the gutter.
Sally Vander Zwart - "Never Again" (Kelly Clarkson)
Giant, blonde, dutch Sally left the clogs at home. She sings very well but she may be cursed by having to go first and for not wearing clogs. Sometimes she smiled a bit inappropriately throughout Kelly's bitter revenge rant but it wasn't bad.
Natalie Gouchi - "Hurt" (Christina Aguilera)
As Mark Holden said, it was a monster of a song she decided to attack. The end result sounded like a tub of oil being poured through a fan on a wedding dress. The original is messy enough but Christinal Aguilera gets away with it by dressing up like a circus freak with painted on tears. Natalie Gouchi can't hold a candle to that, though she did hold a candle to that oil-soaked wedding dress as her hopes of Idol stardom went up in flames. She does have some nice qualities in her voice and I liked her up to now, but this was just patchy.
Cheray Doughty - "Tell Me About It" (Joss Stone)
Cheray should join that poor asian girl as examples why solariums should be banned. Cheray is lamb dressed in baked mutton's flesh. Her performance was mainly constant noise without any of this "light and shade" which Holden mentions. She danced like she was at a ho-down and I think she needs a few years.... not until her talent matures... a few years until her skin disintegrates into the atmosphere.
Talisai Vushe - "River Deep, Mountain High" (Tina Turner)
The whole time throughout her performance I kept wishing there were four Maricias on the panel so they could do ghetto head bobbles together. Talisai was awesome, she can worship any God she wants when she sings like that. Mark Holden says "I just keep thinking Cosima.. Cosima.. Cosima.." Cosima must have sold his house as well and he was distracted throughout Talisai's wonderful performance. Poor dear. Dicko says "The competition needs you" and I agree.
Jesse Corran - "One" (U2/Johnny Cash)
For those who didn't know what Marcia was talking about with:
Marcia quote of the week: "Today's news is wrapped up in tomorrow's fish and chips"
Jesse has been in the news because she ran off with some famous country music star even though he was married and 24 years older than her. But we shouldn't consider this in reviewing the cheating slut's performance.
Tarty Jesse trotted skankily around the stage as if sighting for new prey to sink her fangs into. Her debaucherous vocals simultaneously penetrated a pitiful tune as she fell flat on her back and opened her legs to the camera.... begging for anyone to fill her loins with whatever scummy emission or emission residue was lying around. Marcia said "It was polite"
Lana Krost - "Big Girls Don't Cry" (Fergie)
From her eyes, i'd say her dad is asian and her mum is a deer. In a dress that looks like Bjork's Swan Dress stitched with a potato sack, she looks like she's about to break like a rose dropped in dry ice teetering on a mountain top. Even James Mathison commentates "She managed to make it through the auditions.. still maintaining her innocence" clearly she avoided filthy Jesse Corran's hourly orgies. Her voice is decent, but it's a bit school concert level. She might make it through based on the judges insulting her which invokes an audience reaction.
Who will make it through? Talisai & Lana
What did you think of tonight's show? Add a comment...
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Getting back from Paris, I was of course shattered that I missed the whole Big Brother series. My friends are saying things about Aleisha and Zach and I just thought they were new workmates or something judging by the first-name basis. Things grew queer when all my different groups of friends starting mentioning "Aleisha" and "Zach" though.
But we're back to Australian Idol and that desk is looking awfully small to shelter both Dicko and Kyle at once. Marcia wears no helmet and has no partitions so the Marciaisms are being pushed out at a blinding vitesse. On tonight's show, even her ameliorating smile couldn't melt the snow of Melbourne's awful weather nor defrost the flailing vocal chords of the auditioners.
Dean Geyer appears and I couldn't help but have that awkward blank expression when confronted with his South African virginal face again. Being overseas for 6 months has let me completely skip the careers of all Jessica Mauboy, Damien Leith and Dean. Book your holidays in now guys, February - August.
Kyle still seems to not have been able to upgrade his stare-y prosthetic eyes beyond fibreglass with delible watercolour irises. Shown especially when he couldn't splash water on two immobile targets, only wet the back of the Aus Idol sign. I thought those rappers had a good point about him shopping at Supre though.
After some dull fodder contestants and James Mathison's genius of rhyming "rhapsody" with "crapsody", we have Nataylie Gauci. Mark goes into paroxyms over her being an "artist" while Dicko wants her to sing something other than original. And she goes for the LEAST original song of all time "I Will Survive". Still, she sings well but without an ethnic-adversity back-story she may just fade away like Kyle's painted-on irises in Melbourne weather. 
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When we return, we have pushy mothers and their identical daughters. I loved the segment with Karla Tonkie-something being pupeteered by her mum telling her it was her dream etc. Cut footage: Hannibal moment of her scalpelling off her daughters face and elbowing her way into the audition room to sing Fallin'/Ain't No Sunshine apostrophe melody.
Yet the highlight of the show, the series and television history was Scheryl Inningsbridgeworth... i don't remember her real name but it was the 62 year old woman pretending to be a 30 year old. Obviously she thought wearing her hat tilted like that would let her get away with it instead of peddling in with her lawn-bowls scooter. She sang like a casserole but let's look at some of her quotes
"I have a right to look like this, it's the industry that did it to me"
"Youse all got fooled!"
Then we see her invert the sentence in shifting the subject and the predicate:
"Fooled youse all"
A grasp of English of that calibre could exponge the grease off Holden's flimsy hold of the language.
Julie Anne next who says that she's submitted thousands of her demo CDs to radio stations etc. Naturally, her voice is a shamble and i'm sure we all just felt sorry for her. It appears she never got the chance to actually listen to any of her 1000s of CDs she sent out but Holden goes off an teases this poor deaf donkey with a carrot-flavoured microphone for what seems like 2 hours. Dicko says she was a "mental breakdown". Marcia notes she put "music person" on her application then says... in a tone that sounds like Marcia was just diagnosed with a complicated sounding Latin disease... "What does that meaaaan?". I need that as my ringtone.
Long-haired asian
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Rhianna says "Kyle and Jackie-O aren't afraid to ask you anything- mon"
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Marcia quote of the week #1: "Hey listen, enjoy!" to Jack Byrnes while he's leaving.
Marcia quote of the week #2: "Someone has to teach you how to find the MEL-O-DEEE"
Anthony Nuku gets wheelchair sympathy. Andrew G reacts by pushing him into chairs then adjusts his hair in the camera monitor.
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So then we pop over to Mildura to Jessie who sings an original "Shiver For Me". Sure it's a pretty song that sounds like a Missy Higgins/Lisa Mitchell test tube baby.. but it's nothing special. Naturally Mark Holden does some Yeltsin dancing over finding a real artist. Shockingly though, Jessie then leaves the room and comes right back dressed as a man named Dewaynne Everett Smith who sings the same pop-rock-acoustic dilute. I didn't think that was in the rules. As James said "A troooly original singerrrr" indeed.
Marcia quote of the week #3: "Work those vocal chords, amen!!
Back to Melbourne where Husny Thalib the arabic-asian comes. Racist Holden says ""You're asian and you're arabic? Then how will you park your explosive car into Picadilly Circus?" Ok, he doesn't but after the segment of him mispronouncing ethnic names for 20 minutes, he may as well have. He sings pretty well and his piercings and make-up are a welcome relief from 12 consecutive Lisa Higgins.
...but then comes Jacob Butler again. Freshly rejected from X-factor + Australian Idol 2005: Laura Gissara... he returns again like an Australian Idol Batman villain. Ready to attack the world of amateur singing with a style SO dated that Holden himself doesn't even remember it. He gets through and Marcia delivers a wonderful one
Marcia quote of the week #4: "That's called "waiting to exhale" "
So tomorrow's show is Sydney! I see that Kyle and Dicko are behaving themselves for the moment, hopefully the producers will shake their cages soon enough. One thing is for certain, Marcia only gets better with age.
Liking this season of Idol? Don't you wish you were Deni and Marcia was your mother? Can someone sum up what a Zach and Aleisha are for me? Add a comment...