Sunday, September 09, 2007

Australian Idol - Top 12

What was this assorted bag of amateurs and karaoke we experienced tonight?

Ben McKenzie - "Sunday Morning" (Maroon 5)

Ben started the chain held together by weakest links. It was weak and unimpressive. The judges say he's wonderful, Mark Holden saying he was very comfortable on stage considering he's 16. I agree, that it's an achievement to be able to do this at 16, but I make no allowances... we're at Lisa Mitchell stage now... no time for dead weight.

Mark Da Costa - "Vertigo" (U2)

Mark and his bavarian mullet jumped around on stage like he had pins and needles in his overbelted pants. He is compotent but wrong for idol. I like his big energy on stage. The judges said he needed to be more intense although he was already scuffing up the stage with his sliding and stomping. Maybe the audience had a great time but I felt cold and sad and he didn't even care.

Lana Krost - "Shiver" (Natalie Imbruglia)

As soon as I heard she would do Shiver, I was worried for her. It's the most un-idol song since Morning Musume's Chokkan 2 ~Nogashita Sakana wa Okiizo!~ . Her voice is too pure and her doe-eyed chasteness is better suited for that Phil Collins song about homeless people or that Luka song about child abuse.

Daniel Mifsud - "Cry Me A River" (Justin Timberlake)

I won't even start on his opening montage of how many scarves he owns... I've already sent the PFLAG brochure to his parents. It was a bizarrely spastic arrangement with gaping voids of blank staring while Daniel fixed his hair in the monitor. Though snaps for trying something a bit different. Marcia said "A LITTLE JIMMY T GOES A LONG WAY" *snap* *snap* *snap*

Carl Riseley - "Waltzing Matilda"

The beginning wasn't bad but by the end I'm convinced the "navy" he worked for was actually a "cruise ship". His voice has a bit more resonance than the other so far, but sometimes he sounds incredibly average. Marcia says "I thought 'cool' "

Holly Weiner - "Standing In The Way Of Control" (The Gossip)

Whoa?!!? Holly steps out of the 80s portal which is the flashing Idol screen. She doesn't quite have the rock growl, she doesn't quite have the lesbian edge.. but she has something. I'll need to inspect her further but she was definitely the most striking performance so far. Kyle said she was Patty Newton on crack and Mark Holden broke a hip.

Matt Corby - "Coldplay Song"

It started of alright, but then I realised I was still listening to my MD playing a recording of own voice reciting the poetry of Sylvia Plath. Matt Corby's depth is as thin as Karen Carpenter and he should donate some of his hair to Kyle to cover up that hairline which seems to be receeding rapildy away from his glass eyes. Top 3.

Jacob Butler - "When We Were Young"

First of all, I loved the montage of Jacob going back to Adelaide to see his parents. His mum said "you didn't need to come here!". Good kitten. Jacob Butler slithers on stage, already perspirating failure sweat. Yet surprisingly, he wasn't the huge disappointment we all expected. He was ok yet he still lacks X-factor ever since he came 8th on the 2005 series. Mark Holden loses control of his bladder. Dicko was impressed.

Tarisai Vuche - "If I Was Your Woman" (Alicia Keys)

Tarisai the talented pygmy! She was wonderful, I thought I was watching American Idol for a second.. in which big voices are desired and "country battler" back stories are only a close second. Although I don't know who has suffered more than the Zimbabwe people, though I think Jacob Butler's constant chubby failure answers that question. Surprisingly, the judges were a bit harsh with her. They said she was pitchy and tame etc. while the others get allowances for being nervous or young? Very unfair.

Marty Simpson - "Cant Stand Losing You" (The Police)

I like voice but this was a bit all over the place. Plus when he speaks he has a flaring quality which distorts my TV's sound.

Marcia said "You did OK" which is EXTREMELY cruel for Marcia!

Brianna Carpenter - "God Only Knows" (Beach Boys/David Bowie)

TDK eyes ignite! I know she was off-pitch at times and she's shits me to tears but her asymmetric fringe is enough for me to vote for her. She's different in a creepy Playschool way. She won't win but she's not meant to. The judges told her to watch her pitch.

My favourite: Tarisai Vuche
Most improved: Jacob Butler
Fairest of them all: Daniel Mifsud
Bottom 3: Marty Simpson, Lana Krost & Ben McKenzie
Gone: Marty Simpson

What did you think? Who's going home? Add a comment...

Labels: aus idol, australian idol, australian idol 2007, ben mckenzie, Brianna Carpenter, carl riseley, daniel mifsud, holly weiner, jacob butler, mark da costa, marty simpson, Matt Corby, tarisai vuche

Posted by tonch at 10:30 pm | 7 comments

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Triplets at a Different Teat

Well half of the boys brought it yesterday, and the other three put it right back where it belong on an up, up, up, down, down, level, night of Idol. I'm a bit rushed with this recap, uni awaits.

Mark Da Costa - "Want A Whole Lot of Love" (Led Zeppelin)

A bit pubby, but competent nevertheless. What you see is what you get with Mark Da Costa, I don't expect anything else than above average rock reproductions from him throughout the competition.

Ben McKenzie - "Mad World" (Tears for Fears)

He's a freaky little wierdo, but he's good to watch. He may lack vocal strength but he can swerve around that glaring disadvantage with more dynamic interpretations. I give him thumbs up.. and a monthly treatment of Proactiv Acne Treatment Solution - that's right, the new 3-step program developed by scientists to stop acne. Proactive Solution 3-Step System not only cleans your face, but revitalises the pores and exfoliates dead skin cells to prevent you from having acne while the reparing lotion hydrates your skin to give you a nourishing glow. It's even used by such celebrities as Jessica Simpson and P. Diddy. "When I'm on tour, I don't want to have to lose confidence by having acne on my face" - Jessica Simpson. Even Britney Spears' back-up dancer says that she swears by it. Clear skin can begin with Proactive Solution 3-Step System.

Jack Byrnes - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (U2)

I'm not sure what to think about this 18 year old going on 32. His performance was standard and his dance moves - touretteish.

Marcia quote of the week "Listen Man, you took it to church"

Dave Andrews - "That's Freedom" (John Farnham)

How does expect to have a striking performance with a name like Dave Andrews? He ought to change his name to D'Arcy Van De La Croix Desu, I know I just mixed up an Irish, Dutch, French and Japanese construction but at least that name sticks in your head. He stands there looking scared like Lana Krost in the headlights. The judges called his performance "safe" and "a dud". He doesn't even have Laura Gissara deluded charisma to back it up. If he had said "I worked so hard for this, look at my two tone hair", he would have redeemed himself. But afraid not.

Lyall Adonis - "Desperado" (The Eagles)

What was this? He sort of just stood on stage and waded ankle-deep through a .midi instrumental. He's already got the star potential in his name and the looks and an Australian permanent residency visa - he just had to look in the camera and do falsetto with a single weary tear running down sullied cheeks... he would have made it. Mark said "You didn't do that song justice"

Marty Simpson - "Over My Head" (The Fray)

Kyle said it was excellent, Dicko said he's very likeable, Marcia gave everyone 10% reduced vision with her smile while Mark Holden opened his mouth and liquid faecal matter came gushing out waywardly. Marty was fine, I can't tell if he's ugly or not yet.

To go through: Ben McKenzie +.... Marty Simpson

Favourites tonight? Add a comment...

Labels: aus idol, australian idol 2007, ben mckenzie, dave andrews, jack byrnes, lyall adonis, marcia hines, mark da costa, mark holden, marty simpson, recap

Posted by tonch at 11:59 am | 3 comments

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Monday, August 20, 2007

Idol –Top 140

Kyle, Marcia, Dicko and Mark stand under the menacing light of the old Weakest Link stage. I’m sure the cryogenically frozen body of Cornelia Frances was the on the other side of that room glaring. Mark Holden tells us the HUGE twist of “Boys and girl will be auditioning together BAM BAM BAMMMM”. All delivered in the melodramatic but ultimately disappointing Big Brother style.

Our contestants are at the airport since most of them are immigrants, they've just flown in from everywhere from Jakarta to Bougainvillea. They’re shown driving in to The Menzies where they’ll be staying. A squeaky voiced teen screams “Woo! AusTralAIn IDol!” he was a bit pitchy. We have shots of pretty Matt Corby, curling his eyelashes and Jacob Butler, ironing out the creases in his deflated dreams. Lyall Adonis pulls out a box of his good luck charms and another box of old envelopes with all the Lyalle/Lial/Leaighyall adressed mispellings he’s received.

From 140, they’re going to decapitate 40 of them the next morning.
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7:00 am Day 1

The Seymour Centre - fresh from a Sydney University revue. The bottom 40 all have a glaze of loser about them… they don't have enough quirk-fug to be The Giant Chin of Bobby Flynn… so we’re left with mere fug. They all seem extremely nervous so 95% falter or underwhelm.

”I’ve forgotten all the words, hey” languishes Linden Furnell.

Anthony Nuku and the trumpet guy Carl Riseley are the notable survivors while the rest take their walk of shame back to Cornelia Frances' rotting corpse. I very much enjoyed how fast they cut these losers. I think the whole results show should be done like that in the future.

“This was my dream, my passion and my life!” weeps one rejectee. Maybe they really are being decapitated when they leave!

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Ads… Lynx ad… strangely they’ve dubbed this American ad with Australian voices when it’s just a girl screaming with her mouth full.
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11:00 am

“I’ve had so many emotions go through my brain” says captioned blonde girl. I always thought emotions came from the soul after Lisa Mitchell touches it with her innocence? Girlfriend needs to get back to Year 11 biology.

This actual top 100 bunch are much prettier and have that sanded-down shimmer which equals potential. We see the previous losers being shipped off straight away to Marcia’s goulag of tolerance. Kyle’s blank fibreglass eyes give him a Children Of The Damned glow under the judging lights.

Daniel Mifud sings a beige Green Limousine. Mernie Cooper sings a strained What’s Going On. Andrew McDougall needs an edge. Perennial loser Jacob Butler needs edges in his pounded face. Cleo Howman chokes, but appears later in the episode based on her face. Mark Da Costa is a screamy pub-singer type wearing a scarf and short-sleeves. Then he gets interviewed afterwards wearing a different scarf and short-sleeves. Chanel take note.

Shemara-Lea Hassett expresses “I will die!” if she has to go home. Her sweaty armpits further prove her suffering. She was sent “home”, probably to be executed by her shamed family. Ben McKenzie is that strange looking 16 year old who can sing. Husny Thalib casts aside gay rumours with a Madonna song. He’s starting to look like an Arabic-Asian Macaulay Culkin to me.

There aren't many impessive ones. Still, Marcia welcomes the winners with a “Welcome to Australian Idol”.

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Ads… Flawless Mariska Hargitay gives an emmy award winning performance in SVU ad.
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77 people remaining! declares James. Time for group performances which is always a highlight of the whole series for me since it's the most dramatic time in the show before we're inundated with 20 000 flashbacks of their "journey".

Mark "I co-wrote Absolutely Everybody" Holden announces the boy-girl rule change with the group performances. Everyone applauds for about 2 minutes strangely. They probably just looped the tape like in Speed.

Cleo Howman seems to be having further pitch problems. Rosie Ribbons’ group is doing well. If they get a contract afterwards, they should be called Rosie Ribbons’ + Three since she has the world's greatest name.

Jasmine Anderson attempted to hi-jack the whole show from Rosie Ribbons in all her whingeing "Not happy Jan". Frustrated group-mate Cyndi Dietrich screams at Jasmine saying "KAN DU FUR MICH EIN BRETZEL KAUFEN!"... well she implies it with her German last name. Jasmine wants to go home because she doesn't like Silverchair's "Straight Lines". Well, I don't like it much either but it doesn't make me quit my co-gender vocal group.

Holden starts insulting her relentlessly:

"Jasmine, you are a miserable cow! You're a complete tool! Is that how you want to be known as? Northern Territory's Next Tool?" ... Was he confusing this show with America's Next Top Model for a second?

Surprisingly, his pep-speech does nothing and she keeps stealing screen time from Rosie Ribbons and Husny Thalib. She tells Dietrich that she want to quit, to which she replies: "DU BIST EIN UBER SCHISEN KOPF!"

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Meanwhile in Husny Thalib's room, Phil Wolfendale is having a cry about the song they've chosen. He says "I've sacrificed SOO much to be here!"... I hope he means that his mother was attached to a renal dialysis machine and he had to cut off the electricity to pay for singing lessons.... otherwise he needs some perspective... or he needs to talk to Cosima.

Mark Holden goes off to talk to Jasmine Anderson. He takes off his shirt and lets Jasmine drink deep from his maternal teat. Jasmine changes her mind and she, Fraulein Dietrich, the wooden country boy and the 5th Monkee give one hell of piss-weak performance. All the other group performances a underwhelming too.

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Ads
"You don't know anything about drugs"
"We should find out!" *mother rolls up sleeve to reveal gangrenous injection gashes*
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Tomorrow we'll be seeing the final 30. It's evident from the ad that Ben McKenzie and Rosie Ribbons will make it through.

Who else? What did you enjoy about tonight's show? Add a comment...

Labels: aus idol, australian idol, australian idol 2007, ben mckenzie, husny thalib, jacob butler, lyall adonis, Matt Corby, rosie ribbons, top 100, top 140

Posted by tonch at 12:08 am | 2 comments

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