Getting back from Paris, I was of course shattered that I missed the whole Big Brother series. My friends are saying things about Aleisha and Zach and I just thought they were new workmates or something judging by the first-name basis. Things grew queer when all my different groups of friends starting mentioning "Aleisha" and "Zach" though.
But we're back to Australian Idol and that desk is looking awfully small to shelter both Dicko and Kyle at once. Marcia wears no helmet and has no partitions so the Marciaisms are being pushed out at a blinding vitesse. On tonight's show, even her ameliorating smile couldn't melt the snow of Melbourne's awful weather nor defrost the flailing vocal chords of the auditioners.
Dean Geyer appears and I couldn't help but have that awkward blank expression when confronted with his South African virginal face again. Being overseas for 6 months has let me completely skip the careers of all Jessica Mauboy, Damien Leith and Dean. Book your holidays in now guys, February - August.
Kyle still seems to not have been able to upgrade his stare-y prosthetic eyes beyond fibreglass with delible watercolour irises. Shown especially when he couldn't splash water on two immobile targets, only wet the back of the Aus Idol sign. I thought those rappers had a good point about him shopping at Supre though.
After some dull fodder contestants and James Mathison's genius of rhyming "rhapsody" with "crapsody", we have Nataylie Gauci. Mark goes into paroxyms over her being an "artist" while Dicko wants her to sing something other than original. And she goes for the LEAST original song of all time "I Will Survive". Still, she sings well but without an ethnic-adversity back-story she may just fade away like Kyle's painted-on irises in Melbourne weather.
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When we return, we have pushy mothers and their identical daughters. I loved the segment with Karla Tonkie-something being pupeteered by her mum telling her it was her dream etc. Cut footage: Hannibal moment of her scalpelling off her daughters face and elbowing her way into the audition room to sing Fallin'/Ain't No Sunshine apostrophe melody.
Yet the highlight of the show, the series and television history was Scheryl Inningsbridgeworth... i don't remember her real name but it was the 62 year old woman pretending to be a 30 year old. Obviously she thought wearing her hat tilted like that would let her get away with it instead of peddling in with her lawn-bowls scooter. She sang like a casserole but let's look at some of her quotes
"I have a right to look like this, it's the industry that did it to me"
"Youse all got fooled!"
Then we see her invert the sentence in shifting the subject and the predicate:
"Fooled youse all"
A grasp of English of that calibre could exponge the grease off Holden's flimsy hold of the language.
Julie Anne next who says that she's submitted thousands of her demo CDs to radio stations etc. Naturally, her voice is a shamble and i'm sure we all just felt sorry for her. It appears she never got the chance to actually listen to any of her 1000s of CDs she sent out but Holden goes off an teases this poor deaf donkey with a carrot-flavoured microphone for what seems like 2 hours. Dicko says she was a "mental breakdown". Marcia notes she put "music person" on her application then says... in a tone that sounds like Marcia was just diagnosed with a complicated sounding Latin disease... "What does that meaaaan?". I need that as my ringtone.
Long-haired asian
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Marcia quote of the week #1: "Hey listen, enjoy!" to Jack Byrnes while he's leaving.
Marcia quote of the week #2: "Someone has to teach you how to find the MEL-O-DEEE"
Anthony Nuku gets wheelchair sympathy. Andrew G reacts by pushing him into chairs then adjusts his hair in the camera monitor.
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So then we pop over to Mildura to Jessie who sings an original "Shiver For Me". Sure it's a pretty song that sounds like a Missy Higgins/Lisa Mitchell test tube baby.. but it's nothing special. Naturally Mark Holden does some Yeltsin dancing over finding a real artist. Shockingly though, Jessie then leaves the room and comes right back dressed as a man named Dewaynne Everett Smith who sings the same pop-rock-acoustic dilute. I didn't think that was in the rules. As James said "A troooly original singerrrr" indeed.
Marcia quote of the week #3: "Work those vocal chords, amen!!
Back to Melbourne where Husny Thalib the arabic-asian comes. Racist Holden says ""You're asian and you're arabic? Then how will you park your explosive car into Picadilly Circus?" Ok, he doesn't but after the segment of him mispronouncing ethnic names for 20 minutes, he may as well have. He sings pretty well and his piercings and make-up are a welcome relief from 12 consecutive Lisa Higgins.
...but then comes Jacob Butler again. Freshly rejected from X-factor + Australian Idol 2005: Laura Gissara... he returns again like an Australian Idol Batman villain. Ready to attack the world of amateur singing with a style SO dated that Holden himself doesn't even remember it. He gets through and Marcia delivers a wonderful one
Marcia quote of the week #4: "That's called "waiting to exhale" "
So tomorrow's show is Sydney! I see that Kyle and Dicko are behaving themselves for the moment, hopefully the producers will shake their cages soon enough. One thing is for certain, Marcia only gets better with age.
Liking this season of Idol? Don't you wish you were Deni and Marcia was your mother? Can someone sum up what a Zach and Aleisha are for me? Add a comment...
Labels: australia, australian idol, dicko, jacob butler, kyle, marcia hines, melbourne, quotes, reality tv, recap
Posted by tonch at
9:40 pm
The Melbourne stock were very kind overall. The cafe staff everywhere were all very friendly. There was a general increased-garrolousness ratio that was higher than the Sydney cafe staff. Still, the forced hospitality smile of grinding cheekbones remains throughout. It was late, in search of coffee, we walked by many cafes whose black lattice teeth had already committed to no-entry at 6pm. After much trekking, we happened upon the noise of typical dinner chatter. The entrance of this Italian cafe-restaurant was not a door, but rather an enthusiastic Polish man beckoning us with zeal and his hands. "HEY, you guys want to come in? For a coffee? Yeah! Definitely we can make you a nice coffee. You want to sit down? There's a nice table for you guys at the back". We were rapt at the convenience. So we sat. The antsy bald Polish man ran pell-mell towards our table with a skipping/sliding motion on every second footstep. "Where are you guys from? Give me 20 seconds and I'll tell you why Australia is the best country in the world" he recited from his internal client-chatter tablet. "Ok Australia is the only place where a foreigner can come and within 6 months they can live and work. The ONLY place in the world. They can even drive a car. Best country in the world!" His prior limitless enthusiasm was now resembling a diabetic's scrambling on adrenaline for sugar before collapsing in a twitching feotus heap. He was awkward and unpretty. "So where are you guys from?" ... "Sydney's not for me. It's not a good environment. I went to Sydney before and couldn't stay there." The Pole's eyes told a different story now. Now they told the story of an angsty Polish man who ran to Australia after being weary of his grandfather's tales of Auswitz. ... His opinion on Sydney was interesting for me. For a lot of Sydney people, if you ask them what they think about Melbourne, they'll say "Oh, it's nice but nothing special". It's the same humdrum tone and response like if you asked them what they think about Ricky Muscat. This man was very agro about the issue though he was probably a couple of utensils short of a Sidney Myer Music Bowl to begin with. Other Melbournians Something I noticed was that the people walk slower on the streets, I suppose because they know that the Yarra is always available to serve as an aquaduct. The escalators are also under a speed limit, our Sydney ones are roller-coasters in comparason. I was relieved to notice that there are still plenty of Asian folk on the streets. Many choosing to help simplify our world structure by living up to tourist stereotypes: There were plenty of sushi shops but I was hard pressed to find standard sushi roll "Tuna & Avacado". Instead, I observed many of the native country-folk requesting the popular "Avacado Roll". Bizarre. Metrosexuality runs rife in Melbourne, it must be something that they're drinking in the Yarra that's causing their Y chromosomes to fork off and then style each other into bow-legged, skinny jean Xs. I thought Sydney was supposed to be the ambiguous heterosexuality capital but Melbourne is a surprise winner from behind. Hmm... maybe that gay reference was too obvious... if not, go back and read it again. The "trendiness" of Melbourne far surpasses the "Hugh Jackman-ness" of Sydney in the city. Thieving Scum Fortunately, you could still buy Sydney postcards and souvenirs in tourist shops. Though some of them got it a bit wrong. Maybe it's a hidden angle i'm not used to my Opera House. Labels: adventure, funny, melbourne, rivalry, satirical, sydney, sydneyspy
Friday, February 02, 2007
Melbourne Part 2
The Mighty Yarra 
Sydney Harbour and The Yarra River are completely incomparable, mainly because Sydney Harbour is a visual (and occasionally real) orgasm while the Yarra tends to be... a limp gherkin.
A culture capital indeed. I may be accused of having chosen the worst possible angle but it's the Yarra's fault for having offered such an angle and doubling as a wading swamp. In fact, the Yarra was SO dirty that adding garbage would only make it cleaner, as proved by this photo below. 
It seems they endeavour to improve the Yarra by releasing garbage and decaying fronds into the water. Captain Planet weeps somewhere.
The Cafes
Melbourne also has its own Luna Park
It's nothing like our Sydney one. Our one has beautiful rosy cheeks, full lips and is next in line to replace Andie McDowell in MAX FACTOR MAXI-LASH LASH FATTENER ads.
Meanwhile the Melbourne one (the first one) looks gaunt and Sun-deprived looking like it needs the Andie McDowell Trowel
Otherwise, they also have one of those guys who replicates famous artwork on the street. He's no comparason to our dude though.
In conclusion, Melbourne is a nice city and I'm sure many of my criticisms can be euphemismed away as a "European city" or an "indoor city". I personally prefer to be blinded by Sydney Harbour's reflection than the glare a lower latitude's Sun on concrete.