Australian Idol - Top 12
What was this assorted bag of amateurs and karaoke we experienced tonight?
Ben McKenzie - "Sunday Morning" (Maroon 5)
Ben started the chain held together by weakest links. It was weak and unimpressive. The judges say he's wonderful, Mark Holden saying he was very comfortable on stage considering he's 16. I agree, that it's an achievement to be able to do this at 16, but I make no allowances... we're at Lisa Mitchell stage now... no time for dead weight.
Mark Da Costa - "Vertigo" (U2)
Mark and his bavarian mullet jumped around on stage like he had pins and needles in his overbelted pants. He is compotent but wrong for idol. I like his big energy on stage. The judges said he needed to be more intense although he was already scuffing up the stage with his sliding and stomping. Maybe the audience had a great time but I felt cold and sad and he didn't even care.
Lana Krost - "Shiver" (Natalie Imbruglia)
As soon as I heard she would do Shiver, I was worried for her. It's the most un-idol song since Morning Musume's Chokkan 2 ~Nogashita Sakana wa Okiizo!~ . Her voice is too pure and her doe-eyed chasteness is better suited for that Phil Collins song about homeless people or that Luka song about child abuse.
Daniel Mifsud - "Cry Me A River" (Justin Timberlake)
I won't even start on his opening montage of how many scarves he owns... I've already sent the PFLAG brochure to his parents. It was a bizarrely spastic arrangement with gaping voids of blank staring while Daniel fixed his hair in the monitor. Though snaps for trying something a bit different. Marcia said "A LITTLE JIMMY T GOES A LONG WAY" *snap* *snap* *snap*
Carl Riseley - "Waltzing Matilda"
The beginning wasn't bad but by the end I'm convinced the "navy" he worked for was actually a "cruise ship". His voice has a bit more resonance than the other so far, but sometimes he sounds incredibly average. Marcia says "I thought 'cool' "
Holly Weiner - "Standing In The Way Of Control" (The Gossip)
Whoa?!!? Holly steps out of the 80s portal which is the flashing Idol screen. She doesn't quite have the rock growl, she doesn't quite have the lesbian edge.. but she has something. I'll need to inspect her further but she was definitely the most striking performance so far. Kyle said she was Patty Newton on crack and Mark Holden broke a hip.
Matt Corby - "Coldplay Song"
It started of alright, but then I realised I was still listening to my MD playing a recording of own voice reciting the poetry of Sylvia Plath. Matt Corby's depth is as thin as Karen Carpenter and he should donate some of his hair to Kyle to cover up that hairline which seems to be receeding rapildy away from his glass eyes. Top 3.
Jacob Butler - "When We Were Young"
First of all, I loved the montage of Jacob going back to Adelaide to see his parents. His mum said "you didn't need to come here!". Good kitten. Jacob Butler slithers on stage, already perspirating failure sweat. Yet surprisingly, he wasn't the huge disappointment we all expected. He was ok yet he still lacks X-factor ever since he came 8th on the 2005 series. Mark Holden loses control of his bladder. Dicko was impressed.
Tarisai Vuche - "If I Was Your Woman" (Alicia Keys)
Tarisai the talented pygmy! She was wonderful, I thought I was watching American Idol for a second.. in which big voices are desired and "country battler" back stories are only a close second. Although I don't know who has suffered more than the Zimbabwe people, though I think Jacob Butler's constant chubby failure answers that question. Surprisingly, the judges were a bit harsh with her. They said she was pitchy and tame etc. while the others get allowances for being nervous or young? Very unfair.
Marty Simpson - "Cant Stand Losing You" (The Police)
I like voice but this was a bit all over the place. Plus when he speaks he has a flaring quality which distorts my TV's sound.
Marcia said "You did OK" which is EXTREMELY cruel for Marcia!
Brianna Carpenter - "God Only Knows" (Beach Boys/David Bowie)
TDK eyes ignite! I know she was off-pitch at times and she's shits me to tears but her asymmetric fringe is enough for me to vote for her. She's different in a creepy Playschool way. She won't win but she's not meant to. The judges told her to watch her pitch.
My favourite: Tarisai Vuche
Most improved: Jacob Butler
Fairest of them all: Daniel Mifsud
Bottom 3: Marty Simpson, Lana Krost & Ben McKenzie
Gone: Marty Simpson
What did you think? Who's going home? Add a comment...
Labels: aus idol, australian idol, australian idol 2007, ben mckenzie, Brianna Carpenter, carl riseley, daniel mifsud, holly weiner, jacob butler, mark da costa, marty simpson, Matt Corby, tarisai vuche
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Thursday, August 30, 2007
Six Of One.. Plus 5... huh?
The second batch of girls is hot out of the oven, but who will be too hot to handle? Who will stick to the pan? Who will only have half of their dough cooked while the rest is charred?
Sara Lloyd - “I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” (Jennifer Hudson)
Sara gives a breath-taking rendition of this Dreamgirls song… she wasn’t taking our breath… she was taking her own as she gasped for oxygen at the end. Mark Holden’s prosthetic jaw crumbles as he blabbers some gibberish about poor song choice while Marcia says “You cut that” before insinuating that Mark is made of plastic and should have appeared alongside Paris Hilton in 2004’s “House of Wax”… ALL insinuated with one head flip. She sang well, but isn’t very striking and has a Jacobbutleresque loser story line.
Morgan Hosking – “You Learn” (Alanis Morrisette)
She looks like she could bring something to the table, but all that she brungeth was cold potato salad. She copied Alanis’ donkey calls too much in the song. I felt like I was back in high-school.. not my own high school 2 ½ years ago… but my brother’s high school from the mid-nineties. Very mediocre Morgan.
HIGHLIGHT: Her and Andrew doing their happy-happy-joy-joy jig.
Holly Weiner – “I’m Easy” (Stone Temple Pilots)
Dedicated to STD-transporter and best-friend, Jesse Corran, “I’m Easy” was sung very well. Holly was a luminous presence who has a quiet confidence. Her sloppy diction didn’t smear the song too far off the page and onto the bare table of Morgan Hosking and her pitiful potato salad. Plus she’s a handsome woman. The judges loved her.
Madison Pritchett – “When You’re Gone” (Avril Lavigne)
Screechy, unpleasant and hollow. She looks like she tail-chastised that horse in her video package and wore it on her head for good luck. Dicko said that he couldn’t figure out how to market her since she’s a little girl who acts like a little woman. And I don’t think he was referring to one of those Maury Pauvich little people.
Marcia quote of the week: “You belong to the Australian public now”… let’s do an autopsy on her :D
Brianna Carpenter – “Fidelity” (Regina Spektor)
Her gamine mode de “Le fableux destin d’Amelie Poulain” was superb and tout ce qu’il faut comprendre dans cette phrase, c’est TDK eyes. She flirted with the stage using sulky stares, backwards shuffling and the giant red buttons on her smock. It was overall a refreshing piercing stab amid the prior bludgeonings. Mark put on a stripy Dr. Seuss hat and said it was “kooky, quirky, perky”. Her comment to Kyle was the real vital-organ maiming.
Kyle: I don’t admit to understanding what you do
TDK Carpenter: Well, I didn’t expect you do…
Marcia: Oh no you DI-ENT (Marcia pulls out boombox blasting: I never knew there was a .. love like this before" ) Marcia ba dunk-a-dunks.
Well done Brianna Carpenter…
Rosie Ribbons – “Everybody Hurts” (REM)
I expected more from Rosie Ribbons. She was as stale as that despondent potato salad at a Morgan Hosking picnic. I scrawled “boring vibe” on my notes but reading it back it looks like “bony vibe”. She had potential, but she can’t choose such a droning song which doesn’t work for idol. Then I got a phone call, so the rest of the time she sounded like a person talking into my right ear out of sync with her own lip movements.
To go through: Well I’m 5/6 so far… but this I time I’ll say Holly Weiner and Brianna Carpenter. MAYBE Sara Lloyd.
Brianna: freak or genius? Add a comment...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Triplets at a Different Teat
Well half of the boys brought it yesterday, and the other three put it right back where it belong on an up, up, up, down, down, level, night of Idol. I'm a bit rushed with this recap, uni awaits.
Mark Da Costa - "Want A Whole Lot of Love" (Led Zeppelin)
A bit pubby, but competent nevertheless. What you see is what you get with Mark Da Costa, I don't expect anything else than above average rock reproductions from him throughout the competition.
Ben McKenzie - "Mad World" (Tears for Fears)
He's a freaky little wierdo, but he's good to watch. He may lack vocal strength but he can swerve around that glaring disadvantage with more dynamic interpretations. I give him thumbs up.. and a monthly treatment of Proactiv Acne Treatment Solution - that's right, the new 3-step program developed by scientists to stop acne. Proactive Solution 3-Step System not only cleans your face, but revitalises the pores and exfoliates dead skin cells to prevent you from having acne while the reparing lotion hydrates your skin to give you a nourishing glow. It's even used by such celebrities as Jessica Simpson and P. Diddy. "When I'm on tour, I don't want to have to lose confidence by having acne on my face" - Jessica Simpson. Even Britney Spears' back-up dancer says that she swears by it. Clear skin can begin with Proactive Solution 3-Step System.
Jack Byrnes - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (U2)
I'm not sure what to think about this 18 year old going on 32. His performance was standard and his dance moves - touretteish.
Marcia quote of the week "Listen Man, you took it to church"
Dave Andrews - "That's Freedom" (John Farnham)
How does expect to have a striking performance with a name like Dave Andrews? He ought to change his name to D'Arcy Van De La Croix Desu, I know I just mixed up an Irish, Dutch, French and Japanese construction but at least that name sticks in your head. He stands there looking scared like Lana Krost in the headlights. The judges called his performance "safe" and "a dud". He doesn't even have Laura Gissara deluded charisma to back it up. If he had said "I worked so hard for this, look at my two tone hair", he would have redeemed himself. But afraid not.
Lyall Adonis - "Desperado" (The Eagles)
What was this? He sort of just stood on stage and waded ankle-deep through a .midi instrumental. He's already got the star potential in his name and the looks and an Australian permanent residency visa - he just had to look in the camera and do falsetto with a single weary tear running down sullied cheeks... he would have made it. Mark said "You didn't do that song justice"
Marty Simpson - "Over My Head" (The Fray)
Kyle said it was excellent, Dicko said he's very likeable, Marcia gave everyone 10% reduced vision with her smile while Mark Holden opened his mouth and liquid faecal matter came gushing out waywardly. Marty was fine, I can't tell if he's ugly or not yet.
To go through: Ben McKenzie +.... Marty Simpson
Favourites tonight? Add a comment...
Monday, August 27, 2007
Girls Gone Idol
Unfortunately, I missed the beginning of the show. I was horrified to turn on the tv and see Jacob Butler in the safe zone. Damn Australia and it's "Give the loser a chance" mentality. Ah well, I look forward to seeing his next fall from the curb into the gutter.
Sally Vander Zwart - "Never Again" (Kelly Clarkson)
Giant, blonde, dutch Sally left the clogs at home. She sings very well but she may be cursed by having to go first and for not wearing clogs. Sometimes she smiled a bit inappropriately throughout Kelly's bitter revenge rant but it wasn't bad.
Natalie Gouchi - "Hurt" (Christina Aguilera)
As Mark Holden said, it was a monster of a song she decided to attack. The end result sounded like a tub of oil being poured through a fan on a wedding dress. The original is messy enough but Christinal Aguilera gets away with it by dressing up like a circus freak with painted on tears. Natalie Gouchi can't hold a candle to that, though she did hold a candle to that oil-soaked wedding dress as her hopes of Idol stardom went up in flames. She does have some nice qualities in her voice and I liked her up to now, but this was just patchy.
Cheray Doughty - "Tell Me About It" (Joss Stone)
Cheray should join that poor asian girl as examples why solariums should be banned. Cheray is lamb dressed in baked mutton's flesh. Her performance was mainly constant noise without any of this "light and shade" which Holden mentions. She danced like she was at a ho-down and I think she needs a few years.... not until her talent matures... a few years until her skin disintegrates into the atmosphere.
Talisai Vushe - "River Deep, Mountain High" (Tina Turner)
The whole time throughout her performance I kept wishing there were four Maricias on the panel so they could do ghetto head bobbles together. Talisai was awesome, she can worship any God she wants when she sings like that. Mark Holden says "I just keep thinking Cosima.. Cosima.. Cosima.." Cosima must have sold his house as well and he was distracted throughout Talisai's wonderful performance. Poor dear. Dicko says "The competition needs you" and I agree.
Jesse Corran - "One" (U2/Johnny Cash)
For those who didn't know what Marcia was talking about with:
Marcia quote of the week: "Today's news is wrapped up in tomorrow's fish and chips"
Jesse has been in the news because she ran off with some famous country music star even though he was married and 24 years older than her. But we shouldn't consider this in reviewing the cheating slut's performance.
Tarty Jesse trotted skankily around the stage as if sighting for new prey to sink her fangs into. Her debaucherous vocals simultaneously penetrated a pitiful tune as she fell flat on her back and opened her legs to the camera.... begging for anyone to fill her loins with whatever scummy emission or emission residue was lying around. Marcia said "It was polite"
Lana Krost - "Big Girls Don't Cry" (Fergie)
From her eyes, i'd say her dad is asian and her mum is a deer. In a dress that looks like Bjork's Swan Dress stitched with a potato sack, she looks like she's about to break like a rose dropped in dry ice teetering on a mountain top. Even James Mathison commentates "She managed to make it through the auditions.. still maintaining her innocence" clearly she avoided filthy Jesse Corran's hourly orgies. Her voice is decent, but it's a bit school concert level. She might make it through based on the judges insulting her which invokes an audience reaction.
Who will make it through? Talisai & Lana
What did you think of tonight's show? Add a comment...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Middle Eastern Scarf Mayhem on Idol!
At last, we have bitten into the idol kebab and are getting more than just stale bread. Let the hommus flow.
Matt Corby - "I Wish" (Stevie Wonder)
I missed this performance unfortunately. But it was a Stevie Wonder song so i'm sure i'll see similar performances 7 more times throughout the series. I'm sure he'll get in, he's a very pretty boy.
Junior Too - "Dear Mr. President" (Pink)
Junior interpreted Pink's streamlined letter of sanctimony into a confusing ransom note. I give him props for choosing a more imaginative song but I take those props away when I see his name is Junior. He did sing well and I would prefer him to get in, but his nationality isn't story-worthy enough to merit a reality tv arc. Those nationalities are only Aboriginal, Country Australian, Potato famined Irish and Indonesian.
Daniel Mifsud - "Tip of My Tongue" (Diesel)
A lack of ceiling fans made Daniel's scarf all the more uninteresting. The idea of him spinning by the neck, flailing extremities akimbo, took up most of my imagination during his lifeless performance. He'll probably make it through based on his vestigial scarf... though it's very possible the Idol set isn't heated and those blue lights are actually glacial build-up. Mark Holden said it was underwhelming and Marcia imparted:
Marcia: "If you start at 11 and the meter only goes to 11, where do you go?
Mark: "You go-"
Marcia: "-the meter only goes to 11, Mark!!!"
Carl - "You're My Hope And Prayer" (Michael Buble)
Bring on the harsher driving restrictions for seniors, they don't need to be anywhere else but here when Carl is performing. I can't remember his last name or the song he sang, so I had to make them up. His remorseful number had me sleeping. So far everyone has been quite boring, especially Jacob Butler.
Husny Thalib - "If You Can't Say No" (Lenny Kravitz)
Husny! The ringmaster! Thank god, or satan or whomever's womb he slithered out of. We finally have something a bit different. I can't genuinely decide if I liked his uber-gay performance or not. He dry humps the air and has practised his choreography but I prefer it much more to Daniel Mifsud's meandering around an empty stage. His voice, look and moves are a bit AJ from the Backstreet Boys on a meth-amphetamine sleep deprivation streak - with his little ticks and jolts. Still, it pleases. Kyle said it was too camp, Marcia advised: "you give a bit, bit, bit then explode". And clearly his YMCA fanclub in the front row was exploding throughout his song. Mark said the wink at the end was "patronising for the audience at home". This statement makes me feel confused.
Jacob Butler - "Chasing Cars" (Snow Patrol)
Before his performance, Jacob Butler is seen cowering on the couch slowing soiling and re-soiling himself. We start the montage of his idol journey which is actually a 2 hour documentary of failure and footage of his mother crying. He sings and underwhelms. Dicko calls him "obsessive", Kyle says he gets himself into "a big spin" and you can see Jacob dying on the inside with each jab. Truthfully, he didn't sing badly at all but he's just got a dated style and lacks an edge.
Who I think will get through: Matt Corby, Husny Thalib and..... Carl.
Thoughts on tonight's show? Add a comment...
Monday, August 20, 2007
Idol –Top 140
Kyle, Marcia, Dicko and Mark stand under the menacing light of the old Weakest Link stage. I’m sure the cryogenically frozen body of Cornelia Frances was the on the other side of that room glaring. Mark Holden tells us the HUGE twist of “Boys and girl will be auditioning together BAM BAM BAMMMM”. All delivered in the melodramatic but ultimately disappointing Big Brother style.
Our contestants are at the airport since most of them are immigrants, they've just flown in from everywhere from Jakarta to Bougainvillea. They’re shown driving in to The Menzies where they’ll be staying. A squeaky voiced teen screams “Woo! AusTralAIn IDol!” he was a bit pitchy. We have shots of pretty Matt Corby, curling his eyelashes and Jacob Butler, ironing out the creases in his deflated dreams. Lyall Adonis pulls out a box of his good luck charms and another box of old envelopes with all the Lyalle/Lial/Leaighyall adressed mispellings he’s received.
From 140, they’re going to decapitate 40 of them the next morning.
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7:00 am Day 1
The Seymour Centre - fresh from a Sydney University revue. The bottom 40 all have a glaze of loser about them… they don't have enough quirk-fug to be The Giant Chin of Bobby Flynn… so we’re left with mere fug. They all seem extremely nervous so 95% falter or underwhelm.
”I’ve forgotten all the words, hey” languishes Linden Furnell.
Anthony Nuku and the trumpet guy Carl Riseley are the notable survivors while the rest take their walk of shame back to Cornelia Frances' rotting corpse. I very much enjoyed how fast they cut these losers. I think the whole results show should be done like that in the future.
“This was my dream, my passion and my life!” weeps one rejectee. Maybe they really are being decapitated when they leave!
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Ads… Lynx ad… strangely they’ve dubbed this American ad with Australian voices when it’s just a girl screaming with her mouth full.
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11:00 am
“I’ve had so many emotions go through my brain” says captioned blonde girl. I always thought emotions came from the soul after Lisa Mitchell touches it with her innocence? Girlfriend needs to get back to Year 11 biology.
This actual top 100 bunch are much prettier and have that sanded-down shimmer which equals potential. We see the previous losers being shipped off straight away to Marcia’s goulag of tolerance. Kyle’s blank fibreglass eyes give him a Children Of The Damned glow under the judging lights.
Daniel Mifud sings a beige Green Limousine. Mernie Cooper sings a strained What’s Going On. Andrew McDougall needs an edge. Perennial loser Jacob Butler needs edges in his pounded face. Cleo Howman chokes, but appears later in the episode based on her face. Mark Da Costa is a screamy pub-singer type wearing a scarf and short-sleeves. Then he gets interviewed afterwards wearing a different scarf and short-sleeves. Chanel take note.
Shemara-Lea Hassett expresses “I will die!” if she has to go home. Her sweaty armpits further prove her suffering. She was sent “home”, probably to be executed by her shamed family. Ben McKenzie is that strange looking 16 year old who can sing. Husny Thalib casts aside gay rumours with a Madonna song. He’s starting to look like an Arabic-Asian Macaulay Culkin to me.
There aren't many impessive ones. Still, Marcia welcomes the winners with a “Welcome to Australian Idol”.
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Ads… Flawless Mariska Hargitay gives an emmy award winning performance in SVU ad.
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77 people remaining! declares James. Time for group performances which is always a highlight of the whole series for me since it's the most dramatic time in the show before we're inundated with 20 000 flashbacks of their "journey".
Mark "I co-wrote Absolutely Everybody" Holden announces the boy-girl rule change with the group performances. Everyone applauds for about 2 minutes strangely. They probably just looped the tape like in Speed.
Cleo Howman seems to be having further pitch problems. Rosie Ribbons’ group is doing well. If they get a contract afterwards, they should be called Rosie Ribbons’ + Three since she has the world's greatest name.
Jasmine Anderson attempted to hi-jack the whole show from Rosie Ribbons in all her whingeing "Not happy Jan". Frustrated group-mate Cyndi Dietrich screams at Jasmine saying "KAN DU FUR MICH EIN BRETZEL KAUFEN!"... well she implies it with her German last name. Jasmine wants to go home because she doesn't like Silverchair's "Straight Lines". Well, I don't like it much either but it doesn't make me quit my co-gender vocal group.
Holden starts insulting her relentlessly:
"Jasmine, you are a miserable cow! You're a complete tool! Is that how you want to be known as? Northern Territory's Next Tool?" ... Was he confusing this show with America's Next Top Model for a second?
Surprisingly, his pep-speech does nothing and she keeps stealing screen time from Rosie Ribbons and Husny Thalib. She tells Dietrich that she want to quit, to which she replies: "DU BIST EIN UBER SCHISEN KOPF!"
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Meanwhile in Husny Thalib's room, Phil Wolfendale is having a cry about the song they've chosen. He says "I've sacrificed SOO much to be here!"... I hope he means that his mother was attached to a renal dialysis machine and he had to cut off the electricity to pay for singing lessons.... otherwise he needs some perspective... or he needs to talk to Cosima.
Mark Holden goes off to talk to Jasmine Anderson. He takes off his shirt and lets Jasmine drink deep from his maternal teat. Jasmine changes her mind and she, Fraulein Dietrich, the wooden country boy and the 5th Monkee give one hell of piss-weak performance. All the other group performances a underwhelming too.
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Ads
"You don't know anything about drugs"
"We should find out!" *mother rolls up sleeve to reveal gangrenous injection gashes*
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Tomorrow we'll be seeing the final 30. It's evident from the ad that Ben McKenzie and Rosie Ribbons will make it through.
Who else? What did you enjoy about tonight's show? Add a comment...
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Australian Idol Auditions - Sydney
"You're game, I want to get to know you because you're game!" - Plato Hines
And here's what she would look like in a computer game:
And in a Destiny's Child video: <--click
Something I never thought would happen is having the consonant chain of Husny Thalib as my #1 Search Engine Keyword hit-generator of the last week.
What is this Husny obsession? To refresh your memory, he was the arabic-asian with some talent in Melbourne. I'll deduce that he's been promoting himself in a contract violating way, suggesting he'll definitely get into the Top 30 (since that was all decided a while ago). Congrats Husny, Mark Holden has a barrel full of jokes to make about you.
