Sunday, September 09, 2007

Australian Idol - Top 12

What was this assorted bag of amateurs and karaoke we experienced tonight?

Ben McKenzie - "Sunday Morning" (Maroon 5)

Ben started the chain held together by weakest links. It was weak and unimpressive. The judges say he's wonderful, Mark Holden saying he was very comfortable on stage considering he's 16. I agree, that it's an achievement to be able to do this at 16, but I make no allowances... we're at Lisa Mitchell stage now... no time for dead weight.

Mark Da Costa - "Vertigo" (U2)

Mark and his bavarian mullet jumped around on stage like he had pins and needles in his overbelted pants. He is compotent but wrong for idol. I like his big energy on stage. The judges said he needed to be more intense although he was already scuffing up the stage with his sliding and stomping. Maybe the audience had a great time but I felt cold and sad and he didn't even care.

Lana Krost - "Shiver" (Natalie Imbruglia)

As soon as I heard she would do Shiver, I was worried for her. It's the most un-idol song since Morning Musume's Chokkan 2 ~Nogashita Sakana wa Okiizo!~ . Her voice is too pure and her doe-eyed chasteness is better suited for that Phil Collins song about homeless people or that Luka song about child abuse.

Daniel Mifsud - "Cry Me A River" (Justin Timberlake)

I won't even start on his opening montage of how many scarves he owns... I've already sent the PFLAG brochure to his parents. It was a bizarrely spastic arrangement with gaping voids of blank staring while Daniel fixed his hair in the monitor. Though snaps for trying something a bit different. Marcia said "A LITTLE JIMMY T GOES A LONG WAY" *snap* *snap* *snap*

Carl Riseley - "Waltzing Matilda"

The beginning wasn't bad but by the end I'm convinced the "navy" he worked for was actually a "cruise ship". His voice has a bit more resonance than the other so far, but sometimes he sounds incredibly average. Marcia says "I thought 'cool' "

Holly Weiner - "Standing In The Way Of Control" (The Gossip)

Whoa?!!? Holly steps out of the 80s portal which is the flashing Idol screen. She doesn't quite have the rock growl, she doesn't quite have the lesbian edge.. but she has something. I'll need to inspect her further but she was definitely the most striking performance so far. Kyle said she was Patty Newton on crack and Mark Holden broke a hip.

Matt Corby - "Coldplay Song"

It started of alright, but then I realised I was still listening to my MD playing a recording of own voice reciting the poetry of Sylvia Plath. Matt Corby's depth is as thin as Karen Carpenter and he should donate some of his hair to Kyle to cover up that hairline which seems to be receeding rapildy away from his glass eyes. Top 3.

Jacob Butler - "When We Were Young"

First of all, I loved the montage of Jacob going back to Adelaide to see his parents. His mum said "you didn't need to come here!". Good kitten. Jacob Butler slithers on stage, already perspirating failure sweat. Yet surprisingly, he wasn't the huge disappointment we all expected. He was ok yet he still lacks X-factor ever since he came 8th on the 2005 series. Mark Holden loses control of his bladder. Dicko was impressed.

Tarisai Vuche - "If I Was Your Woman" (Alicia Keys)

Tarisai the talented pygmy! She was wonderful, I thought I was watching American Idol for a second.. in which big voices are desired and "country battler" back stories are only a close second. Although I don't know who has suffered more than the Zimbabwe people, though I think Jacob Butler's constant chubby failure answers that question. Surprisingly, the judges were a bit harsh with her. They said she was pitchy and tame etc. while the others get allowances for being nervous or young? Very unfair.

Marty Simpson - "Cant Stand Losing You" (The Police)

I like voice but this was a bit all over the place. Plus when he speaks he has a flaring quality which distorts my TV's sound.

Marcia said "You did OK" which is EXTREMELY cruel for Marcia!

Brianna Carpenter - "God Only Knows" (Beach Boys/David Bowie)

TDK eyes ignite! I know she was off-pitch at times and she's shits me to tears but her asymmetric fringe is enough for me to vote for her. She's different in a creepy Playschool way. She won't win but she's not meant to. The judges told her to watch her pitch.

My favourite: Tarisai Vuche
Most improved: Jacob Butler
Fairest of them all: Daniel Mifsud
Bottom 3: Marty Simpson, Lana Krost & Ben McKenzie
Gone: Marty Simpson

What did you think? Who's going home? Add a comment...

Labels: aus idol, australian idol, australian idol 2007, ben mckenzie, Brianna Carpenter, carl riseley, daniel mifsud, holly weiner, jacob butler, mark da costa, marty simpson, Matt Corby, tarisai vuche

Posted by tonch at 10:30 pm | 7 comments

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Sunday, August 26, 2007

Middle Eastern Scarf Mayhem on Idol!

At last, we have bitten into the idol kebab and are getting more than just stale bread. Let the hommus flow.

Matt Corby - "I Wish" (Stevie Wonder)

I missed this performance unfortunately. But it was a Stevie Wonder song so i'm sure i'll see similar performances 7 more times throughout the series. I'm sure he'll get in, he's a very pretty boy.

Junior Too - "Dear Mr. President" (Pink)

Junior interpreted Pink's streamlined letter of sanctimony into a confusing ransom note. I give him props for choosing a more imaginative song but I take those props away when I see his name is Junior. He did sing well and I would prefer him to get in, but his nationality isn't story-worthy enough to merit a reality tv arc. Those nationalities are only Aboriginal, Country Australian, Potato famined Irish and Indonesian.

Daniel Mifsud - "Tip of My Tongue" (Diesel)

A lack of ceiling fans made Daniel's scarf all the more uninteresting. The idea of him spinning by the neck, flailing extremities akimbo, took up most of my imagination during his lifeless performance. He'll probably make it through based on his vestigial scarf... though it's very possible the Idol set isn't heated and those blue lights are actually glacial build-up. Mark Holden said it was underwhelming and Marcia imparted:

Marcia: "If you start at 11 and the meter only goes to 11, where do you go?
Mark: "You go-"
Marcia: "-the meter only goes to 11, Mark!!!"

Carl - "You're My Hope And Prayer" (Michael Buble)

Bring on the harsher driving restrictions for seniors, they don't need to be anywhere else but here when Carl is performing. I can't remember his last name or the song he sang, so I had to make them up. His remorseful number had me sleeping. So far everyone has been quite boring, especially Jacob Butler.

Husny Thalib - "If You Can't Say No" (Lenny Kravitz)

Husny! The ringmaster! Thank god, or satan or whomever's womb he slithered out of. We finally have something a bit different. I can't genuinely decide if I liked his uber-gay performance or not. He dry humps the air and has practised his choreography but I prefer it much more to Daniel Mifsud's meandering around an empty stage. His voice, look and moves are a bit AJ from the Backstreet Boys on a meth-amphetamine sleep deprivation streak - with his little ticks and jolts. Still, it pleases. Kyle said it was too camp, Marcia advised: "you give a bit, bit, bit then explode". And clearly his YMCA fanclub in the front row was exploding throughout his song. Mark said the wink at the end was "patronising for the audience at home". This statement makes me feel confused.

Jacob Butler - "Chasing Cars" (Snow Patrol)

Before his performance, Jacob Butler is seen cowering on the couch slowing soiling and re-soiling himself. We start the montage of his idol journey which is actually a 2 hour documentary of failure and footage of his mother crying. He sings and underwhelms. Dicko calls him "obsessive", Kyle says he gets himself into "a big spin" and you can see Jacob dying on the inside with each jab. Truthfully, he didn't sing badly at all but he's just got a dated style and lacks an edge.

Who I think will get through: Matt Corby, Husny Thalib and..... Carl.

Thoughts on tonight's show? Add a comment...

Labels: aus idol, australian idol, carl, daniel mifsud, husny thalib, jacob butler, junior too, Matt Corby, scarf, song

Posted by tonch at 9:25 pm | 6 comments

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Monday, August 20, 2007

Idol –Top 140

Kyle, Marcia, Dicko and Mark stand under the menacing light of the old Weakest Link stage. I’m sure the cryogenically frozen body of Cornelia Frances was the on the other side of that room glaring. Mark Holden tells us the HUGE twist of “Boys and girl will be auditioning together BAM BAM BAMMMM”. All delivered in the melodramatic but ultimately disappointing Big Brother style.

Our contestants are at the airport since most of them are immigrants, they've just flown in from everywhere from Jakarta to Bougainvillea. They’re shown driving in to The Menzies where they’ll be staying. A squeaky voiced teen screams “Woo! AusTralAIn IDol!” he was a bit pitchy. We have shots of pretty Matt Corby, curling his eyelashes and Jacob Butler, ironing out the creases in his deflated dreams. Lyall Adonis pulls out a box of his good luck charms and another box of old envelopes with all the Lyalle/Lial/Leaighyall adressed mispellings he’s received.

From 140, they’re going to decapitate 40 of them the next morning.
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7:00 am Day 1

The Seymour Centre - fresh from a Sydney University revue. The bottom 40 all have a glaze of loser about them… they don't have enough quirk-fug to be The Giant Chin of Bobby Flynn… so we’re left with mere fug. They all seem extremely nervous so 95% falter or underwhelm.

”I’ve forgotten all the words, hey” languishes Linden Furnell.

Anthony Nuku and the trumpet guy Carl Riseley are the notable survivors while the rest take their walk of shame back to Cornelia Frances' rotting corpse. I very much enjoyed how fast they cut these losers. I think the whole results show should be done like that in the future.

“This was my dream, my passion and my life!” weeps one rejectee. Maybe they really are being decapitated when they leave!

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Ads… Lynx ad… strangely they’ve dubbed this American ad with Australian voices when it’s just a girl screaming with her mouth full.
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11:00 am

“I’ve had so many emotions go through my brain” says captioned blonde girl. I always thought emotions came from the soul after Lisa Mitchell touches it with her innocence? Girlfriend needs to get back to Year 11 biology.

This actual top 100 bunch are much prettier and have that sanded-down shimmer which equals potential. We see the previous losers being shipped off straight away to Marcia’s goulag of tolerance. Kyle’s blank fibreglass eyes give him a Children Of The Damned glow under the judging lights.

Daniel Mifud sings a beige Green Limousine. Mernie Cooper sings a strained What’s Going On. Andrew McDougall needs an edge. Perennial loser Jacob Butler needs edges in his pounded face. Cleo Howman chokes, but appears later in the episode based on her face. Mark Da Costa is a screamy pub-singer type wearing a scarf and short-sleeves. Then he gets interviewed afterwards wearing a different scarf and short-sleeves. Chanel take note.

Shemara-Lea Hassett expresses “I will die!” if she has to go home. Her sweaty armpits further prove her suffering. She was sent “home”, probably to be executed by her shamed family. Ben McKenzie is that strange looking 16 year old who can sing. Husny Thalib casts aside gay rumours with a Madonna song. He’s starting to look like an Arabic-Asian Macaulay Culkin to me.

There aren't many impessive ones. Still, Marcia welcomes the winners with a “Welcome to Australian Idol”.

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Ads… Flawless Mariska Hargitay gives an emmy award winning performance in SVU ad.
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77 people remaining! declares James. Time for group performances which is always a highlight of the whole series for me since it's the most dramatic time in the show before we're inundated with 20 000 flashbacks of their "journey".

Mark "I co-wrote Absolutely Everybody" Holden announces the boy-girl rule change with the group performances. Everyone applauds for about 2 minutes strangely. They probably just looped the tape like in Speed.

Cleo Howman seems to be having further pitch problems. Rosie Ribbons’ group is doing well. If they get a contract afterwards, they should be called Rosie Ribbons’ + Three since she has the world's greatest name.

Jasmine Anderson attempted to hi-jack the whole show from Rosie Ribbons in all her whingeing "Not happy Jan". Frustrated group-mate Cyndi Dietrich screams at Jasmine saying "KAN DU FUR MICH EIN BRETZEL KAUFEN!"... well she implies it with her German last name. Jasmine wants to go home because she doesn't like Silverchair's "Straight Lines". Well, I don't like it much either but it doesn't make me quit my co-gender vocal group.

Holden starts insulting her relentlessly:

"Jasmine, you are a miserable cow! You're a complete tool! Is that how you want to be known as? Northern Territory's Next Tool?" ... Was he confusing this show with America's Next Top Model for a second?

Surprisingly, his pep-speech does nothing and she keeps stealing screen time from Rosie Ribbons and Husny Thalib. She tells Dietrich that she want to quit, to which she replies: "DU BIST EIN UBER SCHISEN KOPF!"

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Meanwhile in Husny Thalib's room, Phil Wolfendale is having a cry about the song they've chosen. He says "I've sacrificed SOO much to be here!"... I hope he means that his mother was attached to a renal dialysis machine and he had to cut off the electricity to pay for singing lessons.... otherwise he needs some perspective... or he needs to talk to Cosima.

Mark Holden goes off to talk to Jasmine Anderson. He takes off his shirt and lets Jasmine drink deep from his maternal teat. Jasmine changes her mind and she, Fraulein Dietrich, the wooden country boy and the 5th Monkee give one hell of piss-weak performance. All the other group performances a underwhelming too.

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Ads
"You don't know anything about drugs"
"We should find out!" *mother rolls up sleeve to reveal gangrenous injection gashes*
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Tomorrow we'll be seeing the final 30. It's evident from the ad that Ben McKenzie and Rosie Ribbons will make it through.

Who else? What did you enjoy about tonight's show? Add a comment...

Labels: aus idol, australian idol, australian idol 2007, ben mckenzie, husny thalib, jacob butler, lyall adonis, Matt Corby, rosie ribbons, top 100, top 140

Posted by tonch at 12:08 am | 2 comments

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