Sydney Spy Classic
Idol –Top 140
Kyle, Marcia, Dicko and Mark stand under the menacing light of the old Weakest Link stage. I’m sure the cryogenically frozen body of Cornelia Frances was the on the other side of that room glaring. Mark Holden tells us the HUGE twist of “Boys and girl will be auditioning together BAM BAM BAMMMM”. All delivered in the melodramatic but ultimately disappointing Big Brother style.
Our contestants are at the airport since most of them are immigrants, they've just flown in from everywhere from Jakarta to Bougainvillea. They’re shown driving in to The Menzies where they’ll be staying. A squeaky voiced teen screams “Woo! AusTralAIn IDol!” he was a bit pitchy. We have shots of pretty Matt Corby, curling his eyelashes and Jacob Butler, ironing out the creases in his deflated dreams. Lyall Adonis pulls out a box of his good luck charms and another box of old envelopes with all the Lyalle/Lial/Leaighyall adressed mispellings he’s received.
From 140, they’re going to decapitate 40 of them the next morning.
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7:00 am Day 1
The Seymour Centre - fresh from a Sydney University revue. The bottom 40 all have a glaze of loser about them… they don't have enough quirk-fug to be The Giant Chin of Bobby Flynn… so we’re left with mere fug. They all seem extremely nervous so 95% falter or underwhelm.
”I’ve forgotten all the words, hey” languishes Linden Furnell.
Anthony Nuku and the trumpet guy Carl Riseley are the notable survivors while the rest take their walk of shame back to Cornelia Frances' rotting corpse. I very much enjoyed how fast they cut these losers. I think the whole results show should be done like that in the future.
“This was my dream, my passion and my life!” weeps one rejectee. Maybe they really are being decapitated when they leave!
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Ads… Lynx ad… strangely they’ve dubbed this American ad with Australian voices when it’s just a girl screaming with her mouth full.
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11:00 am
“I’ve had so many emotions go through my brain” says captioned blonde girl. I always thought emotions came from the soul after Lisa Mitchell touches it with her innocence? Girlfriend needs to get back to Year 11 biology.
This actual top 100 bunch are much prettier and have that sanded-down shimmer which equals potential. We see the previous losers being shipped off straight away to Marcia’s goulag of tolerance. Kyle’s blank fibreglass eyes give him a Children Of The Damned glow under the judging lights.
Daniel Mifud sings a beige Green Limousine. Mernie Cooper sings a strained What’s Going On. Andrew McDougall needs an edge. Perennial loser Jacob Butler needs edges in his pounded face. Cleo Howman chokes, but appears later in the episode based on her face. Mark Da Costa is a screamy pub-singer type wearing a scarf and short-sleeves. Then he gets interviewed afterwards wearing a different scarf and short-sleeves. Chanel take note.
Shemara-Lea Hassett expresses “I will die!” if she has to go home. Her sweaty armpits further prove her suffering. She was sent “home”, probably to be executed by her shamed family. Ben McKenzie is that strange looking 16 year old who can sing. Husny Thalib casts aside gay rumours with a Madonna song. He’s starting to look like an Arabic-Asian Macaulay Culkin to me.
There aren't many impessive ones. Still, Marcia welcomes the winners with a “Welcome to Australian Idol”.
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Ads… Flawless Mariska Hargitay gives an emmy award winning performance in SVU ad.
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77 people remaining! declares James. Time for group performances which is always a highlight of the whole series for me since it's the most dramatic time in the show before we're inundated with 20 000 flashbacks of their "journey".
Mark "I co-wrote Absolutely Everybody" Holden announces the boy-girl rule change with the group performances. Everyone applauds for about 2 minutes strangely. They probably just looped the tape like in Speed.
Cleo Howman seems to be having further pitch problems. Rosie Ribbons’ group is doing well. If they get a contract afterwards, they should be called Rosie Ribbons’ + Three since she has the world's greatest name.
Jasmine Anderson attempted to hi-jack the whole show from Rosie Ribbons in all her whingeing "Not happy Jan". Frustrated group-mate Cyndi Dietrich screams at Jasmine saying "KAN DU FUR MICH EIN BRETZEL KAUFEN!"... well she implies it with her German last name. Jasmine wants to go home because she doesn't like Silverchair's "Straight Lines". Well, I don't like it much either but it doesn't make me quit my co-gender vocal group.
Holden starts insulting her relentlessly:
"Jasmine, you are a miserable cow! You're a complete tool! Is that how you want to be known as? Northern Territory's Next Tool?" ... Was he confusing this show with America's Next Top Model for a second?
Surprisingly, his pep-speech does nothing and she keeps stealing screen time from Rosie Ribbons and Husny Thalib. She tells Dietrich that she want to quit, to which she replies: "DU BIST EIN UBER SCHISEN KOPF!"
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Meanwhile in Husny Thalib's room, Phil Wolfendale is having a cry about the song they've chosen. He says "I've sacrificed SOO much to be here!"... I hope he means that his mother was attached to a renal dialysis machine and he had to cut off the electricity to pay for singing lessons.... otherwise he needs some perspective... or he needs to talk to Cosima.
Mark Holden goes off to talk to Jasmine Anderson. He takes off his shirt and lets Jasmine drink deep from his maternal teat. Jasmine changes her mind and she, Fraulein Dietrich, the wooden country boy and the 5th Monkee give one hell of piss-weak performance. All the other group performances a underwhelming too.
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Ads
"You don't know anything about drugs"
"We should find out!" *mother rolls up sleeve to reveal gangrenous injection gashes*
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Tomorrow we'll be seeing the final 30. It's evident from the ad that Ben McKenzie and Rosie Ribbons will make it through.
Who else? What did you enjoy about tonight's show? Add a comment...
Labels: aus idol, australian idol, australian idol 2007, ben mckenzie, husny thalib, jacob butler, lyall adonis, Matt Corby, rosie ribbons, top 100, top 140