Parisian Metro
You'll notice that any romantic movie set in Paris will most certainly omit metro images. It's a bit shady sometimes, but overall, it's fun!
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Quick Language lesson:
"Je voudrais un billet pour...."
- "I would like a ticket for..."
"Zhe VOO-DRAY Ahn BEE-YAY POOR...."
"Quoi? Je t'ai donne 50 euros! Tete d'ail!"
- "What? I gave you 50 euros!! Garlic-head!"
"KWA? Zhe TAY DON-NAY SANK-ONT EW-ROW! TET DAY!"
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To travel around Paris, you take either the RER or the Metro. The RER takes you to the suburbs of Paris where all the violence happens. The metro rolls around Paris only - it's fast, with some stations being mere metres from each other. If you take the metro, that means fighting a mixture of begging Romanians and icicle-covered parisians to get you where you want to go. So, of course you'll always take the metro!
When you get to big stations like Gare du Nord [GAR DEW NORR] or Chatelet Les Halles [SHAT-LAY LAY AL], don't recoil onto the tracks after inhaling the stench of aged urine fused with garlic, it's Paris. The metro will rattle along with a shuffle and a skip, unlike the Sydney City-Rail trains which come with a chug and a 23 minute delay.
Unless you're mounting the urban pony at an early station, you'll most definitely be standing. Remember to always keep your bag closed with your phone and wallet out of sight. Being Australian, I'm used to my wallet, unprotected notes and monacle dangling out from all places or riding adjacent me.
Two seconds and two begging Romanians later, you'll arrive at your destination. If you're transfereing to a RER or another metro you may be hiking through endless labirynths.
Otherwise, if exiting, you may have the pleasure of experiencing melodramatic parisian doors. These doors let your presence known as they SMASH open with a clang automatically when you approach. So dramatic hand gestures are required to realise your childhood Alex Mack telekenisis fantasies.Often you'll get some metro-tainment which may be someone playing the accordeon or the guitar. My best memory is standing right next to some dude with a guitar playing "How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down" with gloupy french-accent and all while fiddling with the chords on a crowded metro. I stole some coins from a rich tourist to give to him anyway though... when in Rome!
So how many roads must a man walk down, before he gets bludgy and wants the metro? Add a comment...
Labels: australia, france, metro, paris, RER, sydney, travel, travelblog
Posted by tonch at
3:28 am
Labels: france, gay, metrosexuality, paris, sydney, sydneyspy, travel Posted by tonch at
2:52 am
Labels: france, mylene farmer, sexual music videos, sexy french videos, sucettes, suggestive, sydney, sydneyspy Posted by tonch at
9:34 pm
Everyone salut the new leader of France, Nicolas Sarkozy. Or just remember his name and then bring it up later to make it sound like you're in tune with foreign politics. Labels: australia, france, French elections, les elections presidentielles, nicolas sarkozy, sarkozy, voting Posted by tonch at
4:46 am
People like her because she's fair and tolerant... people don't like her because she has no opinions. She looks like a bit like a bird as well. The parisians I talk to all have some sort of an "aggressive muslim" story to tell, which is why they vote for Sarkozy. They don't think anything will change with Royal in power even though "Madame La Presidente Royal" is an awesome title to have. Her policies are a bit weak and please everyone. These tales from the "aggressive muslim" vault vary from "Once I was on the train and all the aggressive muslims came on with blood all over their faces" to "My uncle was working as a mechanic when aggressive muslims came in and stole everything". It's just daily life for Parisians. The euros scoff at our epic "Cronulla Riots" even since that kind of thing happens all the time here. Voting isn't compuslory in France but still over 80% went to the ballots for the last round. So hold your breath to see who the winner shall be Sunday evening... but keep in mind you'll have to hold it in for an extra ~8 hours because of the time difference. But you can still watch the Big Brother eviction at least. Is Sarkozy racist scum? Do think Segolene Royal is hot? Add a comment... Labels: australia, france, French elections, les elections presidentielles, opinion etrangere, sarkozy, segolene, sydney, sydneyspy Posted by tonch at
1:02 pm
Labels: france, moulin rouge, paris, sydney, travel Posted by tonch at
10:20 am
The most exciting part of the journey there was the fat controller who probably didn't speak in a Ringo Starr voice. TRIVIA: Tintin's dog Snowy, is called Milou in french. In case you didn't know, in Belgium they speak French and Dutch so everything is written in the two languages. Fortunately, Dutch is just English with bad spelling. Labels: australia, belge, belgian, belgium, france, la belgique, sydney, sydneyspy, travel Posted by tonch at
5:55 pm
Labels: france, learn french, paris, sydney, sydneyspy Posted by tonch at
12:29 pm
---- It's All About Image Something très important for your prononciation, c'est the french lips (lèvres francaises)! [LEH-VRUH FROn-SEZ] These here are normal lèvres australiennes: Labels: france, language lesson, learn french, sydney Posted by tonch at
5:39 am
Labels: france, koala, paris, sydney Posted by tonch at
7:29 am
Are you a fan of the ET? If The Eiffel Tower and the Sydney Opera House had a physical fight, who would win? Add a comment.. Labels: eiffel tower, france, kleenex, paris, sydney
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Metrosexuality in Paris
After downing one too many chausse aux pommes and absinthe, you may have the urge to go to Les Toilettes. Here comes the embarrassment:
Which one?!!? At least the wheelchair man has broader options. I must have looked at both options in cartoon double-take style 12 times each before entering. I had never been so happy to see a urinal in my life.
"Riding a metro" can have a completely new meaning if your mind's in the gutter. It's all the more appropriate in Paris where they flock in clusters tighter than their belly shirts. These French ones have found a way to reproduce to form a more mutated, more sexually ambiguous strain with skinny jeans so restraining, their bamboo pins suggest a third gender.
The city of Paris accomodates for them as well. If you walk into a shop like Sephora, you'll see make-up for men. Not just a small shelf in the corner situated next to hair-gel for em-browsing-ment, but HALF the shop. Foundation... eye-liner... mascara... all for MEN. My French-Vietnamese friend tells me that the section for men is growing with the years. Await Sephor-o in 2009.
Otherwise, there are some other signs that leave me confused.
Is it just a spot the difference game?
Gay Paris, indeed. Add a comment...
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Sexual French Music Videos
France has a reputation for being sexually liberated. This is true some of the time, especially in music videos which i've separated into three categories.
The sexual without being slutty...
Elodie Frege - La Ceinture [LA SUN-TURE] "The Belt"
It's just her face in black and white with a man's hand groping her face - then going lower. It's still sexy somehow. It's fortunate his digits didn't ambulate into any unsuspecting holes... for all we know.
Lyrics: Le temps de cerises est mort, le diable est dans le corps.
... rien ne dur au dessus de la ceinture.
Translation: Cherry season is dead, the devil is in my body.
... nothing rough below the belt.
The blatantly suggestive...
France Gall - Les Sucettes [LAY SUE-SET] "Lollipops"
Yay, innocence of the 60s. If big floppy phallic dancers don't incur vibrant sexual images within you, you may need to wait a few years... or abandon christianity.
Lyrics: "Lorsque le sucre d'orge, parfumé à l'anis
coule dans la gorge de l'Annie, elle est au paradis"
Translation: "When the barley sugar, scented with licorice,
runs down Annie's throat, she's in paradise"
Gratuitous nudity!!
Mylene Farmer - L'amour N'est Rien [LA MORE NAY REE-UNN] [Love Is Nothing]
See a 45 year old woman undress for you! That's all. No plot. No background. She sings about ephemeral delights in Tori Amos-style gibberish.
French: "J'ai dans la tete des tonnes de pirouettes"
Translation: "I have a tonne of pirouettes in my head"
So, is cherry season dead? Which is the sexiest? Add a comment...
Monday, May 07, 2007
France Decided 
...or the 'burbs...
Saturday, May 05, 2007
The French Elections
...or maybe he's just SO popular that he sexually excites people. Nicolas is unpopular because he's not the biggest fan of muslims... though Nicolas is popular because he's not the biggest fan of muslims.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Moulin Rouge
When I took the metro up to northern Paris in search for Nicole Kidman's post-divorce habitation, I expected something a little more Spectacular Spectacular and not the tiny gitchi-gitchi-ya-ya thing I saw before me.
Lady Marmalade couldn't even smear herself on a baguette in this box. I expected it to be twice the size of the Eiffel Tower with emerald fairies swatting gossemer wings all about... instead it's lego. Although, as we all know, the first 30 minutes of Moulin Rouge the movie are a steaming mess of kitsch appropriated medleys and rhitalin-less camera work... then the story begins. Yet I was staring at the real Moulin Rouge for at least two hours and I didn't even get a glimpse of Nicole Kidman on a trapeze.
Is Moulin Rouge amazing Australian cinema? or is it naffery? Add a comment...
Monday, March 19, 2007
Sydney Spy Goes To Brussels 
This piece of gold below is une frite, [translation Belgian French Fries] and it's the third most orgasmic feeling in the world. Belgium was the birth place of french fries ever since the first McDonalds was installed in 1400. 
It's common to eat them with mayonnaise and these days you can buy them everywhere in Brussels from a friterie. It's crisp without being like those gross over-fried fries at the bottom... and it's soft without being one of those super-greasy fries that could make a bank vault transparent. It's simply perfect and I think it should be on the cover of Lonely Planet: Belgium. 
Ok... that's not Belgian beer.. it's Coke but I 'forgot' to take a picture of the beer. In Belgium you can buy beer in any cafe and it's served all day long. Something special is une rafale which is when they give you four glasses of four different types of beer served in a wooden frame. It's precious and necessary since there are so many different Belgian beers.
There's more to Belgium than food and liquids though. Brussels has a really cool atmosphere - it's relaxed and friendly but still vomiting culture on you from all directions. If you go there, La Grande Place will be your home since you pass it several times when ambulating around the city.
We don't really have city squares in Australia. It's a place for pedestrians where the only danger of being run over comes from all the tourists and even they can't douse the smell of history seeping out of every paved corner. The city overall is full of this smell, come whiff:
It's an enchanting ambiance that cannot be fully consumed no matter how wide your gaping mouth of amazement hangs. The foundations of culture and Europe were here on these very roads you find yourself walking on. Each building suffered the tourment of war and a stiffled sigh releases itself from latticed lungs for the bittersweetness that such beauty came from such tragedy.
Lolz, Wiener!! 
And strangely, here's something you could buy in Belgium. A badge of Sandra Bullock?
I instead bought a badge of the Belgian king, as a constant reminder of Brussels... and because it's a badge of some old man. Then I walked back to Paris on Sunday... well after the frites, waffles, beer and chocolate... I was rolled there.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Le Translation
I wonder how much this translator got paid.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
French-Aussie Lesson #1
Bonjour children, it's time to put some education into you. It's important that you all know French as it's one of the most popular languages in... France. With it, you can contract foreign diseases on the island of La Reunion, face political turmoil first hand on Nouvelle Caledonie and live in French Canada.
To start with, most English words ending with -tion (emotion, action, subvention etc) are already french, just say it with an accent. Voilà, that's about 1000 words you know already.
So from now on, if something is written in rouge, it means that's the Aussie pronunciation. You'll notice lots of useless s's and t's everywhere in the french spelling which are silent, so don't stress out. We're not going to bother with all that "learn the colours in a day" tedium, we're just going to give you REAL french you can use.
As we go along, i'll use more and more français as I write and it'll seem très naturel and you'll find yourself understanding french very easily.
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C'est Super!
So, in French, when you want to make an exclamation (That's.., It's...) you just say "C'est..." (SAY...) like in "C'est la vie".
Marie: "C'est La Vie de B*Witched? C'est terrible!"
Jaques: "Non! C'est La Vie, c'est cool!"
Remember your exaggerated French accent when saying "cool" and "terrible", they're the same in French. Some other english/english-stolen words you can say are "super", "magnifique", "stupide" et "ok".
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Madame Tina Arèna
So basically, if tu want to ask someone if they like something, just say "TWO EM ....." [Tu aimes...]. Now, our own Tina Arena is actually much more populaire en France than en Australie, so she can be your conversation starting point when you meet French people. Here's un scénario très common.
Pierre: "Tu aimes Tina Arena?" [TWO EM TINA ARENA?] Do you like Tina Arena?
Jean-Baptiste: "Non, elle est merdique." [NOn, ELLE AY MERR DEEK] Nah, she's crap.
Pierre: "Moi, je l'aime eperdument, meme si c'est un tourment." [ZHE LEM EH PEAR DOO MOHn MEM SEE SAY TUN TOUR MOHn] Me, I love her insanely, even though it kills me.
So then juste start singing whatever Tina Arena song that tu know after you pose la question et french people will aime you. 
Now to make lèvres francaises, tu juste have to projette your top lèvre et pull slightly at the corners of your mouth. There you go, parfait! Of course, tu will need to turn black + white et have subtitles appear under you.
Ok, if tu are intelligent, tu comprends le français now! C'est magnifique! Tu know another langue already!
C'est all for today but continue à read et soon tu will read français très well. Add a comment...
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The French Impression Of Australia
Well now I just don't know what to think. I'm glad there's something about Australia in France, but I don't think a koala would enjoy cornflakes very much considering there's no eucalyptus in them. It seems the French already have photographic proof though.
Not to mention, Koalas don't drink - they get all their liquid from the eucalyptus but this FRENCH Koala seems to be drinking milk. Plus most disturbing of all is the threat of a lion right next to him and he's indulging in excess sugar and lactose that would interfere with his digestive system instead of protecting himself in a tree. Parriiissss.... I expected more from you.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Paris
Just look at the fine Parisian etchings in this tree. No doubt engraved by the founders of the republic in honour of the great Chirri... or Chikri. 
Or this stunning Parisian fence...
And isn't this an astounding packet of Kleenex tissues?
Fine. We all know what we're really taking a picture of:
Reflected in mud:
If you stand too close, it just looks like Lego:
Stereotypical French Task #1: Complete...