Sydney Spy Classic
Sydney Spy Goes To Vienna...
The French call it Vienne, Germans call it Wien, Hungarians call it Be'cs and the Japanese call it WIIN. What kind of schizophrenic city could this be?
For Easter, I peddled myself by plane to Austria - I assumed that due to the closeness of the word "Austria" to "Australia" that it would be almost exactly the same... just without the "ALI". Granted - I didn't see many muslim people but there were a few other differences too. For one, the architecture:
Violent statues serve as a reminder that Austria was indeed the birthplace of... that guy who hates Seinfeld. In Austria, you can't put on a blindfold and run pellmell in a random direction without colliding into some amazing building.
Ah splendour I see before me, what kings have you known and what ravages of war have torn you asunder but by the same ravages, brought you to this - great spectacle of 'yore which can not be taken in with a sole glance and can not be ignored. Rather - it is you, whose fragile sandstone solders together to form this immovable relic of culture and might...
- and BRATWURST! [BRAAT-VERST]
Whoops too close...
Whoops too close...Yumm greasy, had I stapled some to my shoe I could have skated around Vienna - dissolving the cobbled streets in my wake. But there's plenty of other delicious less-greasy wiener to chew... hmmm that sentence was a bit gross sounding, let's try again... there's plenty of other salty phallic objects for you to fellatio -- better.
They're not deep-fried Austrian chopsticks - it's Wiener Schnitzel [VEEN-HAIR SHNIT-SELL] and it was delicious.Since it's Easter, it's important to celebrate the real meaning of the season: JESUS
Clearly the bunny above has kidnapped those chicks to work in his battery sweat-shop to mass-produce the following eggs: 
Or maybe I had just stumbled upon some shoddy embryo-research centre. Austrians love their chocolate though - as Mozart will attest:
I think that's the most respectful way you could put Mozart's face on a commercial product. At least he's not winking at the camera with a chunky speech bubble touting "JA, MEINE SCHOKOLADE IST DEUTSCHE SCHOKOLADE"Austria is also known for beer. Fortunately, they sell some local brands... local for me. And for only 1.7 EURO!
Honestly though, Vienna is such a charming city. You feel like you're in some enchanting European village... but with Wi-fi! It's quaint but you still feel attached to the modern world. You can picture some urban European fairy-tale taking place with Red Riding Hood bopping down the street listening to her I-Pod with a Pussycat Dolls feat. Hanz techno-remake of "99 Luftballons (Can't Get Enuff of Your Luff Remix)" along a narrow cobbled path to Grandmas. 
The Austrian people are the typical aryan beauties I expected. Long silky blonde air cascading over delicate shoulders while swaying down the street yodelling Eidelweis.
Be still my beating Weiner Schnitzel! And yes, the woman is trying to explode using her own mental concentration.Meandering down a random street, you'll hear between spitty German in an oscillating manic-depressive Austrian accent, the clip-clop of horses just braying down the streets. Horses take the place of cars sometimes which adds to the beauty of the city for the eyes.
For the nose however - babbling brooks of aged horse piss instill us all with that medieval feeling of peasantry. I don't think Julie Andrews would have been so delighted to serenade that kind of river.Otherwise, it's a calming city where you can sit back with your KAFFE and STRUDEL while observing the Austrian market.
To me, Austria felt like home and that's not just because the grease from my Bratwurst disintegrated everything except "AUS" on my map of the country.
Should Austria be officially part of Australia? How was your Easter? Add a comment...
Labels: australia, Austria, bratwurst, sydney, sydneyspy, wiener