Elections for Dummies: Written By A Dummy
Hello friends,
Sorry for my absence. You'll never believe what happened to me! A little girl in NIGERIA wrote to me saying if I give her my bank account details I'll receive 10% of USD$520 000 000. Needless to say, I became a billionaire but then Cosima stole it all from me after selling her family to the white slave trade.
You don't care about that though, you care about important things like the upcoming Australian election with Howard vs. Rudd. This is the only time for another 3 years I'll mention politics on my site I promise. Now I'm not very political at all. A lot of people aren't, yet we're still forced to vote. So here's a course on The Election for Dummies... by a Dummy :D
Politics
"Politics is just like religion." These sage words sound like the quote from that little Puerto-Rican girl on 7th Heaven but it's true. You can't argue with a political person, they have their beliefs and backup and that's all they need. As an unmotivated first-or-second-time (UFOST) voter, I'm decidely uninterested. Political zealots can attack me for being unaware of crucial issues or something, but I'm just one member of a big apolitical club where we meet once a month and ONLY discuss the weather and real estate.
Isn't lying part of a politician's job description? Aren't we all resigned to that fact? An angry person with a Coles shopping bag whingeing at me makes me want to react spitefully towards her.
Liberal however, needs to get some imagination.
Over-stimulation has made my tiny brain immune to black and white. Telling me straight information does very little without a sugary coating. They're trying to be all "just the facts", but I honestly can't recall anything from those ads right now.
Physical Appearance
Yes, I'm superficial. You are as well, admit it. That's why Chubby Aspergers Minogue, the lost Minogue, isn't a celebrity and beautiful Kylie is. After a decade of seeing Mr. Howard, I think we're all habituated to his face. He's no Fabio pre or post-goose incident.
Mr. Rudd looks like the light of God shines from within, but his mouth area is revolting. 
When I think of a leader, I want a pitbull... with a whip maybe! They both look like accountants with phobias of team sports.
Hitler vs. Stalin
People like to think the left-right scale looks like this:
When I think it looks more like this:
Their labels are so close together, on a historical scale, that written on the graph it looks like a blurry mess. Of course we can zoom that in and see a big distinction but let's keep it real. Politics in Australia has a tiny effect on the global scale. When people argue this point it seems to come from anecdotal evidence. So I'll share mine... when I was in France on exchange the following things were said to me:
1) Do they have apricots in Australia? (lol)
2) Tell me something about Australia, I don't know anything.
3) The queen owns you, right?
4) Do they have watermelons in Australia?
It's not like I mentioned I was from Australia and someone said "Oh, how about that Latham biography?" or "How do you live with that .25% tax rise?". They were much more preoccupied with reducing the rate of women being raped on metros and hosing out burning cars. That's just in a cultured Western European country. We're so lucky here in Australia to concern ourselves with internet broadband speeds and getting students laptops. In Switzerland even, they have compulsory military training for 18 year old boys. So I'm too busy feeling grateful to get emotional over either side.
Death Threats
I'll never forget seeing that giant banner on Eastern Avenue at Sydney University in broad daylight. It read "ONE LAST CUT - HOWARD'S THROAT" written in bloody letters. Absolutely revolting. Say your message without sounding like a murderer. I don't want to be associated with a group that has violent tendencies. That goes for both sides.
My Wants
Realistically, as a UFOST voter, I only care about how the future governence will effect ME and MY daily life. I can feign interest in the good of the country, but I don't really know much. Soccer was my favourite sport at the time of the World Cup, and for three weeks I can pretend to be an expert on trade unions. Otherwise, most voters will follow who their family votes for or for the side they've seen the most advertising from.
My choice will come down to Rudd - because I want to see some new caricatures in the paper - or Howard - to spite that angry Coles-shopping woman in the ALP ads. Very tough choice.
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Labels: australian election, guide for dummies, howard, john howard, kevin rudd, rudd, trade onions