Sydney Spy Goes To Melbourne
"The weather in Melbourne is 17 degrees and overcast" said the pilot and everyone on the plane let out a determined "Well... DUH"". The bus to the city had a promotional movie hyping a bowling alley, the metro boys in contrived General Pants Co. mannequin hats revealed more.
I was in Melbourne from Monday to Thursday and I believe my 4 days are enough for me to judge the worth of the entire city, its history and people. We all hear how it's the "European city" and "the culture capital of Australia" but is that just a euphemism for crappy weather indoor city? Let's see.
My first day left me underwhelmed with only three seasons in the day instead of the promised four, it was freezing in the morning followed by 40 degrees in the day then a windy afternoon.
Melbourne Sophistication
When walking down some streets you'll notice all the classy reputable brands side by side and maybe you'd think a diluted Champs-Elysees was around the corner if it weren't for the thousands of 7/11s. You'll step through some charming Euro-Austro Bistro Al Fresco area but then you'll fall upon shops like this in prominent view. A reminder that we are indeed in a Western country still.
Don't get me wrong, Sydney has its share of stupid shop names too.
It's awesome that there aren't souvenir shops everywhere but maybe that's a testiment to how no one wants to buy some kitsch Yarra River/Myer Music Bowl statuette... or maybe no one wants to remember Melbourne.
Melbourne Wildlife
One of the most popular past times of Sydney Siders is possum hunting in Hyde Park. After the Sun starts trudging off to the Adelaide/Darwin timezone, Sydney Siders run into the park looking to grab possums before they escape up the trees. As seen below, Melbourne has safe-guarded their trees in Melbourne Botanic Garden.
Otherwise, it's beautiful though.
Something not so beautiful happened outside Lord of the Fries in fact. There were some pigeons playing on the road at the stopped pedestrian crossing. They were eating some dropped fries and craftily walking out of the cars' way when the lights changed. It was always terrifyingly close how near to squashing they were every time but the bystanders watched with ignorant Disney security.
But then one pigeon was a little too eager for his Lord of the Fry and *VROOOOM* *SQUASH*. I'm sure I don't need to draw a diagram.... but I did anyway.
Lonsdale bag toting metroes and over-styled asian princesses stared with disgust. I searched my internal proverb-opaedia for a zen one along the lines of "The sheep that lingers suffers by the wrath of the wolf" but all I came up with was "SQUASHY BIRDY BANG BANG".
Stupid Street Names
Batman avenue, hey?
Sporting Venues
For those under rocks with no newspaper subscription, the Australian Open is currently on in Melbourne. With Kuznetsova, Dementieva, Safina, Safin, Youzhni, Tursonov and Myskina already out of the competition, everyone's wondering... who's left in Russia?
Although there were several hours of heat delays due to the collective perversion of tennis cads emitting hormonal waves in reaction to Maria Sharapova's grunts, some seagulls were able to take advantage of the empty courts.
They're even facing the right direction. Since it's Melbourne, one day it was a heat delay and the next it was rain delays. Public Transport
Melbournians seem to have to be reminded of things like this in train station. Notice they have to specify the things you can't spit on, but the train display monitor and other people are fine to spit on.
The Melbourne trains themselves are bizarre specimens. For one, you have to open the doors yourself with a handle. Sydney people are too busy and industrious to bother with such trivial activities. Plus the train I was on randomly stopped in the middle of nothing for a few minuets, the Melbournians around me didn't seem surprised at all so it was probably a regular occurence.
The station announcements aren't as sexy as our Sydney voices. Our faux-Gretel Killeen robot voice oozes sex appeal from Central to Waterfall. While the Melbourne voice almost sounds panicked. Maybe it was his first day on the job but I had a tinge of fear and green in his voice.
Then you have Melbourne trams. As with the trains, you'll often be forced to face other people due to the rigid seat arrangement.
They're cute, it's nice to ride around them even if it is just a ground monorail. It's a bit alarming about the bulletproof glass and cone of silence the driver hides behind. Being on a set rail makes you feel sturdy and safe in a world of global warming and North Korean dictatorship.
That's all for now... Part 2 to come to talk about the people, the mighty Yarra, outside the city and the ethnic diversity.
What do you think of Melbourne? Is it MelBoring or Melborilicious? Add a comment...