Didn’t see Australian Idol tonight? Well maybe at approximately 7:42pm you felt a little twinge inside followed by a feeling of ethereal bliss that lasted for about 91 seconds.
7:42pm: The stage is dark and the atmosphere is electric. The air is rarefied, yes, even nature is in eager anticipation. Laura Gissara is about to sing.
Laura will be opening her mouth and hundreds of gaseous morsels of Laura’s personal innards will pour out. But, unlike vomit, her voice will thrill and amaze us all.
Laura’s poignant silhouette appears and a dull hush sweeps across Australia. Clearly she’s been practising.
Her lips separate, her mouth opens and a note so perfectly fragile envelops the souls and hearts of the audience. Don’t try to struggle, it’ll only make it tighter. A little off tune, perhaps? No, Laura is just proving she’s human.
The pain she’s endured recently through the harsh press is stamped on her face. In huge black felt-tipped letters it reads “TOO TALENTED FOR AUSTRALIA” but her resonating beauty profound the letters and all we see… is the face of Laura Gissara: Star.
Whatever background music that exists is completely indistinguishable. Laura’s voice just melts into the casio instruments and overflows onto the shiny Australian Idol stage to further reflect her eminence.
Throughout the song, Laura’s vocal loops, bounds and strategic wavers reflect her hugely appropriate Tafe Diploma. She grasps hold of the song and strangles it, ignoring the whole structural boundaries of rhythm and diction completely Gissarafying the song.
To soften the immense drama of her performance, Laura seems to be crossing her eyes with the effort of not to emotionally impact upon the audience too severely. At the end, the audience is too spellbound to clap. But their eyes clap so loudly they deafen Laura which must be why she can do such creative things with pitch.
The nation’s heartbeats stopped simultaneously for the 2 hours that Laura’s song seemed to go for.
VOTE LAURA to 191010
What a deliciously poetic analysis of the sub-mediocre talents of the woman who wishes she could be as popular as Bronwyn Bishop at Ramadan.
ReplyDeleteMuch as I revel in your delicate prose, may the teenagers of Australia rob you of the opportunity for an encore next week by turfing her persecuted derriere back into oblivion.
Though, please feel free to cast your discerning eyes over the "talents" of Tarni, James and Milly.
she was soooo amateur compared to the rest :/ but that makes her special :)
ReplyDeleteI would have loved to write about Tarni. I'm sure we're all sorry to see her go. Obviously her CRAAZY hair was too hardcore for Idol.
ReplyDeleteThe mediocre drives AI indeed. I remember reading an article saying that Rock Star:INXS is such bad show because there "aren't enough bad contestants." How depLAURAble (thx TWOP)